NY Barfly

Tips for Drinking with Your Coworkers

Layoffs, pay cuts, furlough days – these are tough times to be working in an office. When the stress of the recession seeps into your cubicle, you’ll find yourself longing for happy hour. When 5 o’clock finally arrives, it's time to gather up your co workers and head to the bar. You’ve survived one more day without anyone realizing that the only thing you did was make three black and white copies (color was not included in your job description).

Drinking with your office compatriots can be tricky. Here are some tips for getting tipsy with the folks who you work with / pray will get laid off before you.

1. Showing Marty from HR that you can multi-task by drinking 4 at once will not get you a promotion, even if you tell him about the adult education course you are taking to learn color copying.

2. Splitting a check can be awkward, especially because you out drank everyone 3:1. Don’t let anyone from accounting get their hands on the bill – they will make you pay your fair share. Distract them by claiming that you’ve figured out the last digits of pie – “3.1415926you’reamoron.”

3. Office happy hour is not the place to find romance. Don’t make flirty eyes with your co-workers – make them with the clearly underage people sitting by the bar. Most of your fellow employee’s will deem you a “dirty pervert” when you end up taking one of them home, but the VP (a former frat boy) will secretly be impressed. He’s the only one that matters.

4. Don’t leave those stolen office supplies as a tip. You’ll be judged as “not a team player” when they see what you made off with, and the waitress doesn’t really want the 3 hole punch anyway (yes – we know it’s top of the line – she still wants your money).

5. Even though you truly love Battlestar Galactica and would love tell your office mates all about it, you just have to confront one of the sorry truths of life: no one cares.

Tips for Dealing with the Inevitable Baby

Barfly received some wretched news the other day. One of our friends is having a baby. Now, why did they have to go and ruin all of the fun? You can’t very well fall into the gutter every night with innocent eyes watching. Who ever thought of this reproduction nonsense in the first place? They clearly couldn’t hold their alcohol.

We know it can be shocking when your drunken compatriots inform you they are with child. After you stop trying to convince them to “drink away” the problem, use these tips to help you cope with the fact that time moves on even though you’re still as drunk as ever.

Tips for dealing with your baby-crazy friends:

1. Go further into denial about your age by dressing like you did in the 1990’s. Nothing says eternal youth like a neon pink headband. 

2. When your friends with babies confront you about your lifestyle, take a swig and slur “ya know, I’m not the one who gave up and had things pop out of god knows where. I’m proud of my alcoholic baby.” Pat your beer gut for that last part – you’ve earned it.

3. Make new friends who are younger and share your interests. Those runaway teens at Port Authority are just dying for a new BFF.

4. Start going to more sophisticated places to show your baby-fied friends the classy life that they’re missing out on. They’ll be so jealous when they hear the story about how you overdrew your checking account at Apotheke.

5. Join the club. You know you’ve always succumbed to even the mildest peer pressure (remember that time with the huffing and the model glue and the brain damage). Why should this be any different? Go ahead and have one of those baby things yourself. Just be sure to water it three times a day!

Tips For Staying Healthy: What to Drink When You're Sick

We’ve been so busy focused on cocktails and New York’s bar scene, that we forgot one of our favorite alcohol related topics: medical flim-flammery. A reader reminded us that we’ve gone too long without being a quack (it’s been quite a while since we came up with our signature cure-all, The Flutini). This reader, in Europe of all places, sent a list of local folk remedies and asked us to see if there is any truth to them.

Using our deep seated medical expertise, we came to a shocking conclusion: we have no frickin’ clue. That won’t stop us from suggesting that you use all of them to help with your ailments. They’re from Europe, after all. People were so exhausted from standing in line for socialized medicine that they just started drinking and came up with these. Then they went to a foam club.

Brandy with hot water and lemon: cough
Scotch (gargle and swallow): sore throat.
Beer in a sauna: common cold
Beer in a bath: sore muscles from workout/dancing
Red wine: Achilles tendonitis (beer is apparently bad for this particular problem)
Vodka: Basically the Russians drink it for everything but also apply it directly to the skin for sore knees, etc.

Well, we didn’t have a sore knee to begin with, but after that Vodka rub we gave it, it seems very relaxed. Let us know if any of these remedies end up helping during the tail end of this sick-season. We’re also coming out with our own line of Cure-All Tonic. Send $40 in an envelope to us, and we’ll send you an eighth of our special 151 Miracle Elixir. You’ll be better after two sips, guaranteed!

Tips for Getting Back at your ex on V-day: A Love Note from Barfly

Dear Readers,

It’s that time again.  Greeting cards with sweet nothings being passed around, expensive frivolous gifts being handed back and forth, ridiculous heartsy-fartsy prix fixe menus littered all over the restaurant industry.  It’s Valentine’s Day, and all you can think about is the ex that did you wrong.  Yup, not only did a drunk like you get fooled into “feelings” while in the midst of an alcohol induced haze, but your beer goggles showed you this other person in a different, meaningful light. Until they proceeded to poo all over you. 

Well you’ve certainly had enough, haven’t you?  Enough of the lovey-dovey nonsense going on all around you and enough of the memories of the one who did you wrong.  It’s time to get back at your ex.  How are you going to do it? The sh*ttiest way you can and Barfly is here to dish out the options as a very special Valentine's treat:

1) This is an oldie but goodie.  Everyone jokes about doing it but would never suspect it actually happening.  When you realize you have left your prized *insert silly possession with sentimental value here* at your ex’s apartment demand to be let in to pick it up.  Come armed with Visine. When your ex turns their back on that ‘make nice’ cocktail you are sharing before you leave with said possession, you can go ahead and drip a few droplets in their glass to spice up their night.  “Haha,” they’ll joke smugly when they turn back to their drink. “You didn’t do anything to my drink now did you?” Go ahead and tell them what you did. They’ll think you are joking.  They shit on you and in turn will do the same in their pants for the rest of the evening.

2) If you really want to kick things up a notch, make your way into the bathroom.  Load up their shampoo with Nair.  Nothing like a little bit of hair loss the morning after an night on the toilet to get their day going with a bang.

3) When you realize they are dating someone new and horribly unattractive by stalking them on Facebook, hack their account.  You can figure out the password—they were never that deep.  Litter their new beloved’s wall with racist comments—they must lovee your ex long time don’t you think?

4) Send a friendly love bear their way to show you have no hard feelings.  They always did love to cuddle didn’t they?  How surprised they’ll be when they discover it’s stuffed with toxic formaldehyde rags.  That will teach them to keep to their own side of the bed.

It doesn't stop here dear readers. The possibilities are endless.  Use your drunk sensibility and cook up something that will really show your ex who they're messing with.  We believe in you with all of our whiskey soaked heart and soul.   Muah! Happy Valentine's Day.

Xoxo,

Barfly

Follow NYBarfly on Twitter

It’s taken a while, but we think we’ve finally figured this twitter thing out. It’s like a blog for when you’re too drunk to blog. Short, not necessarily urgent, and no one cares about your horribly incorrect punctuation. You can now sign up to follow NYBarfly on twitter here: http://twitter.com/NyBarfly.

We’re not quite sure what you’ll get from the experience, but hey, everyone else is doing it. We simply had to join in, as when it comes to peer pressure, we’re more than willing to jump off that bridge. If the person pressuring us to jump off the bridge is attractive, then let us to the front of the line!

In our months-long process of learning what the hell Twitter is, we’ve taken notes. Here are five things that we’ve gleaned. Maybe you’ll find them helpful.

NYBarfly’s Tips for Twitter:

1. No one understands what it is, they’re all just pretending. Might as well join the fun!
2. Posts are called “Tweets”. Disgusting.
3. It’s an easy way to keep up with what your friends are doing. Seeing that your friends likely aren’t members, it’s an easy way to keep up with what the strangers on Twitter are doing.
4. All topics are fair game, but the most inane are preferred. Sample Post: I am cold. We’re sorry, that is too proper. Sample post: I M COLD!!!!
5. No one cares, but shhhhh! If one person acknowledges that fact, the entire system collapses.

So, come check out our tweets. Why are you looking at us like we’re a pervert, it’s not our word!

Tips for Throwing a Holiday Party in Tough Times

How sad – so many businesses have canceled their holiday parties. Just because companies are scaling back, doesn’t give you any excuse. Your friends are expecting your annual holiday cocktail party, and who are you to disappoint them with silly reasons like “I’m so broke I can’t eat.”

We’ve thrown together a list of tips that will help you throw a party that works with these tough times. If you’ve already tried all of these, we’re at a loss, but we hear that a kidney can fetch a pretty penny these days. Better hurry. Your guests are coming in a few days, and you’ll need time to recover!

1. You can encourage your friends to bring beer and wine, but you want to have at least one house cocktail available (this isn’t hippy-dippy pot luck after all). The perfect money saving solution? Two words: Sobieski Vodka. This brand is just as good as the pricey stuff, and will leave you with plenty of leftover change in your pocket. Use it to buy something special – like more vodka.

2. Why spend all that money on a new punchbowl when your bathtub will do the trick? Makes for a great conversation piece. Sample conversation: “Like, there’s punch in the bathtub. Ewwwww.”

3. Save money by limiting your snack options. If your guests are anyone worth knowing, they’ll be focusing on the alcohol anyway. When everyone is sufficiently lubricated, then bring out the snacks. One pack of chicken ramen might not seem like a lot, but it really lasts if spread out across the room in tiny bowls. Try sprinkling Chex Mix on top for some added flair.

4. Decoration wise, the dollar store has everything you need. Double your money by stealing one of everything you buy – i.e. purchase one Christmas ball and shove a second down your pants. You’ll walk away with double the made-in-china / highly toxic geegaws that are sure to impress your friends (just be sure not to breathe the fumes if they accidentally light up. Yikes.)

5. Turn old holiday pastimes into money making ventures. Mistletoe can become a kissing booth where you charge a few bucks for a smooch. The kissing booth can become 60 minutes next Tuesday where you charge a few more bucks for some ho ho ho. Now that’s the holiday/recession spirit.

Celebrate the Repeal of Prohibition's 75th Anniversary: Tips for breaking out the hooch and having a proper party.

Friday the 5^th is a very special day in Drunktown: the 75^th Anniversary of the repeal of Prohibition. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; you wouldn’t be drinking a drop if our forefathers hadn’t gathered 75 years ago and passed the 21st Amendment. In 1933, the liquor started flowing again, and hasn’t stopped since. Our glorious forefathers always come through – the drunken patriots that they be.

It’s clearly a day for a celebration, and we decided to offer you some tips for making your party period authentic.

1. Have a hootenanny 1930’s style. Do your apartment up like a speakeasy and give your friends the secret password: “Let me in fuckface, why are you wearing that stupid fedora?”

2. Deck the place out with period details: flappers serving drinks, Tommy guns on the walls, and cheap bathtub hooch in the cocktails. Be sure to kick start the new era of drinking in style. Turn on the music, do the Charleston, and drink grain alcohol until you throw up blood.

3. Rub it in the face of those who wanted prohibition in the first place. In the middle of the party, take your guests down to the neighborhood church. Show them just how wrong they were by reading those puritans the riot act. When you kneel down to silently pray, be sure not to mean it.

4. If your guests are still looking for entertainment, it's Great Gatsby time. You can try reading the book out loud, but we suggest the 1970’s movie version for time’s sake. When people see Mia Farrow as Daisy, they’ll suddenly get your password. “Woah, you weren’t kidding when you said fuckface.”

5. A proper repeal party isn’t complete with a good old fashioned police raid. If the neighbors aren’t complaining, you can instigate the police and their billy-clubs with a little creativity. The modern day fuzz aren’t interested in breaking up a bar disguised as a pet store. Try something more contemporary, like disguising your speakeasy as a good ol' fashioned puppy mill.

Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving with the Family

Turkey day is upon us, and we all know that Thanksgiving dinner can be one of the most trying events of the year. It’s likely that you will have to venture out of the city, wear ridiculous things like a “sweater-vest”, and (worst of all) dine with people from multiple generations. A child at one end of the table and an elderly aunt at the other? If you wanted a reminder of your own mortality, you would have visited the Natural History Museum.

Last year – Barfly enjoyed dinner with our Pilgrim ancestors Prudence and Palmer. This year, the department of health confiscated their skeletons (damn you DOH!) so we’re headed out of the city for a classic Thanksgiving experience. We’ve come up with some tips, so you can prepare in advance for your own:

1. Stuff a beer can up the turkey's ass when no one is looking to make it a beer can turkey.  It isn't delicious unless the bird is drunk too.

2. Wear a tie and sip whiskey neat the whole night as you make sophisticated conversation with the sober “adults”. As you skip out before dessert, they will say “what an impressive young lad, he’s sure got a head on his shoulders.”  Little do they know that you are going home to throw up in the shower.

3. The tradition of can-shaped cranberry sauce is a bit tired. Try making your own. For every 3 fistfuls of cranberries, add two healthy pours of vodka. To mix, use a masher and pretend you’re a pilgrim beating an Indian’s face in.

4. Chit-chat with family members can be fun if you come prepared and treat it as “imagination time”. The fact that you recently got laid off? You’re enjoying an “extended inner journey.” Your tiny apartment that doesn’t have heat? You “adore bohemian living in the city.” The fact that you’re getting up there in age and still single? “I’m perfectly happy. Besides, I have my talking unicorn Malakor to keep me company. He’s very jealous.” Be sure to take some turkey home for him!

5.  If you are forced to spend time with multiple generations, have some activities prepared for the little ones. Perhaps take them for a classic Thanksgiving hunt. Bring your bows and arrows and head to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The great prize of the day isn’t some boring turkey; it’s the gigantic Sponge Bob Balloon. Take him down! In the true spirit of Thanksgiving, be sure to share your feast with the neighbors.

Tips for Surviving a Post Election Hangover

Think mixing beer and liquor produces a wicked hangover? Try following a presidential race for 2 years and waking up the next day to find that someone actually was “elected.” Ugh – anyone who imbibed that much political coverage is going to be feeling it, and we don’t mean hope. Here are some tips to help you survive the worst hangover of all, the one caused by a post election funk. We know you feel horrible, but remember it is partially your fault. You knew it was a bad idea to watch that much Chris Matthews. Just be happy you survived.

1. Don’t hesitate to reach for a hair of the dog – in this case Obama’s puppy- if you’re feeling racked by withdrawal. Just like a good Bloody Mary, a small dose of the sauce will help you feel more balanced the next day. Read a few fluff pieces about the new first canine with brunch. If you need a stronger kick, try grinding up The Cook Political Report and putting it in a banana smoothie.

2. Swear to never follow politics again. Yes, it was fun, you were into it hard and it seemed like it was the most glorious thing ever. Now that it’s over, everything else just feels horrible. How are you supposed to watch stories about boring things like the transition when you’re in such a state? Never will you let yourself get there again. Like any good post-hangover pledge, this one will go out the window faster than the promise to serve “six full years” in the Illinois senate.

3. Try eating lots of greasy food. This will accomplish two goals. It will settle your digestion and let you bask in the glorious, unhealthy goodness of the dishes. With lefties in control of both the White House and Congress, it’s just a matter of time before they ban bacon and eggs and enact the Help America Oat Act. Damn you granola lobby!

4. Sleep it off. If you have the luxury, stay in bed and get up when you’re ready to head to the next party. If you choose this strategy, be sure to have someone periodically rotate you. 2010 is a ways away, and those bedsores can be more viscous than a bunch of jerks stuck with a $150,000 clothing bill.

5. If all else fails – pick up the bottle – and drink through the pain. Follow the governing, remain engaged, and pound them back. You’ll feel better eventually (and admit it – we know you really enjoy it all – you ridiculous democracy lush).

Tips for New York/Drunken Trick or Treating

On Halloween, there is a child inside all of us. For the average jaded New Yorker, that child rears its head on the run to Ricky’s: gotta find a sexy costume for a night of spooky parties. For the New Yorkers most bewitched by the holiday (i.e. crazy 60 year olds with rent stabilization), the child inside is the one they snatched from the stairwell and ate with a side of cat food.

There is no reason to be ashamed by this sense of innocence. Deep down, we all want to go trick or treating. This is nothing to feel embarrassed about, even if your favorite part is checking the candy afterwards for hidden razors (careful, we saw that crazy 60 year old loading up on Schick Quattro’s the other day).

Barfly has taken the liberty to provide some tips for trick-or-treating. Although we know we all want to, it’s not acceptable to go door to door like a 3 year old. Here are some sophisticated adaptations for the drunken 20 – 45 year old crowd. If you’re over 45 and need tips to figure this sort of thing out, you and your therapist have got a lot of work to do.

1. Wear a really scary mask (i.e. the grizzled face of an old alcoholic). When you spy a group of children who just knocked on a door, run up to them and scream, “Behold the ravages of age!”. Be sure to steal their candy as they run screaming with horror.

2. Try the new trend of reverse trick or treating – when people show up at your door pull a knife and demand fistfuls of miniature Three Musketeers.

3. Who really can eat that much candy? After collecting a few sweet morsels, switch to the good stuff. Start going from bar to bar and see if you can “trick or treat” yourself some free shots of Jager. If they refuse – don’t forget your vengeance. The trick, in this case, is not to toilet paper  a tree, but a call to the Department of Health. “At first, I thought everyone was just dressed up like baby roaches, but then I realized they weren’t costumes at all!”

4. Remember – Trick or Treating should be thrilling. If you have trouble getting excited, try challenging yourself. How many bags of Reese’s can you steal before the security guard at Duane Reade catches on?

5. If all else fails, make it into a drinking game. While going from door to door, take one shot for every person you see dressed as Sarah Palin. You should be well on your way to Drunktown after about 3.2 minutes.

Happy Halloween you glorious, disgusting lushes!