It’s that time again. Greeting cards with sweet nothings being passed around, expensive frivolous gifts being handed back and forth, ridiculous heartsy-fartsy prix fixe menus littered all over the restaurant industry. It’s Valentine’s Day, and all you can think about is the ex that did you wrong. Yup, not only did a drunk like you get fooled into “feelings” while in the midst of an alcohol induced haze, but your beer goggles showed you this other person in a different, meaningful light. Until they proceeded to poo all over you.
Well you’ve certainly had enough, haven’t you? Enough of the lovey-dovey nonsense going on all around you and enough of the memories of the one who did you wrong. It’s time to get back at your ex. How are you going to do it? The sh*ttiest way you can and Barfly is here to dish out the options as a very special Valentine's treat:
1) This is an oldie but goodie. Everyone jokes about doing it but would never suspect it actually happening. When you realize you have left your prized *insert silly possession with sentimental value here* at your ex’s apartment demand to be let in to pick it up. Come armed with Visine. When your ex turns their back on that ‘make nice’ cocktail you are sharing before you leave with said possession, you can go ahead and drip a few droplets in their glass to spice up their night. “Haha,” they’ll joke smugly when they turn back to their drink. “You didn’t do anything to my drink now did you?” Go ahead and tell them what you did. They’ll think you are joking. They shit on you and in turn will do the same in their pants for the rest of the evening.
2) If you really want to kick things up a notch, make your way into the bathroom. Load up their shampoo with Nair. Nothing like a little bit of hair loss the morning after an night on the toilet to get their day going with a bang.
3) When you realize they are dating someone new and horribly unattractive by stalking them on Facebook, hack their account. You can figure out the password—they were never that deep. Litter their new beloved’s wall with racist comments—they must lovee your ex long time don’t you think?
4) Send a friendly love bear their way to show you have no hard feelings. They always did love to cuddle didn’t they? How surprised they’ll be when they discover it’s stuffed with toxic formaldehyde rags. That will teach them to keep to their own side of the bed.
It doesn't stop here dear readers. The possibilities are endless. Use your drunk sensibility and cook up something that will really show your ex who they're messing with. We believe in you with all of our whiskey soaked heart and soul. Muah! Happy Valentine's Day.