Barfly received some wretched news the other day. One of our friends is having a baby. Now, why did they have to go and ruin all of the fun? You can’t very well fall into the gutter every night with innocent eyes watching. Who ever thought of this reproduction nonsense in the first place? They clearly couldn’t hold their alcohol.
We know it can be shocking when your drunken compatriots inform you they are with child. After you stop trying to convince them to “drink away” the problem, use these tips to help you cope with the fact that time moves on even though you’re still as drunk as ever.
Tips for dealing with your baby-crazy friends:
1. Go further into denial about your age by dressing like you did in the 1990’s. Nothing says eternal youth like a neon pink headband.
2. When your friends with babies confront you about your lifestyle, take a swig and slur “ya know, I’m not the one who gave up and had things pop out of god knows where. I’m proud of my alcoholic baby.” Pat your beer gut for that last part – you’ve earned it.
3. Make new friends who are younger and share your interests. Those runaway teens at Port Authority are just dying for a new BFF.
4. Start going to more sophisticated places to show your baby-fied friends the classy life that they’re missing out on. They’ll be so jealous when they hear the story about how you overdrew your checking account at Apotheke.
5. Join the club. You know you’ve always succumbed to even the mildest peer pressure (remember that time with the huffing and the model glue and the brain damage). Why should this be any different? Go ahead and have one of those baby things yourself. Just be sure to water it three times a day!