Turkey day is upon us, and we all know that Thanksgiving dinner can be one of the most trying events of the year. It’s likely that you will have to venture out of the city, wear ridiculous things like a “sweater-vest”, and (worst of all) dine with people from multiple generations. A child at one end of the table and an elderly aunt at the other? If you wanted a reminder of your own mortality, you would have visited the Natural History Museum.
Last year – Barfly enjoyed dinner with our Pilgrim ancestors Prudence and Palmer. This year, the department of health confiscated their skeletons (damn you DOH!) so we’re headed out of the city for a classic Thanksgiving experience. We’ve come up with some tips, so you can prepare in advance for your own:
1. Stuff a beer can up the turkey's ass when no one is looking to make it a beer can turkey. It isn't delicious unless the bird is drunk too.
2. Wear a tie and sip whiskey neat the whole night as you make sophisticated conversation with the sober “adults”. As you skip out before dessert, they will say “what an impressive young lad, he’s sure got a head on his shoulders.” Little do they know that you are going home to throw up in the shower.
3. The tradition of can-shaped cranberry sauce is a bit tired. Try making your own. For every 3 fistfuls of cranberries, add two healthy pours of vodka. To mix, use a masher and pretend you’re a pilgrim beating an Indian’s face in.
4. Chit-chat with family members can be fun if you come prepared and treat it as “imagination time”. The fact that you recently got laid off? You’re enjoying an “extended inner journey.” Your tiny apartment that doesn’t have heat? You “adore bohemian living in the city.” The fact that you’re getting up there in age and still single? “I’m perfectly happy. Besides, I have my talking unicorn Malakor to keep me company. He’s very jealous.” Be sure to take some turkey home for him!
5. If you are forced to spend time with multiple generations, have some activities prepared for the little ones. Perhaps take them for a classic Thanksgiving hunt. Bring your bows and arrows and head to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The great prize of the day isn’t some boring turkey; it’s the gigantic Sponge Bob Balloon. Take him down! In the true spirit of Thanksgiving, be sure to share your feast with the neighbors.