NY Barfly

Tips for New York/Drunken Trick or Treating

On Halloween, there is a child inside all of us. For the average jaded New Yorker, that child rears its head on the run to Ricky’s: gotta find a sexy costume for a night of spooky parties. For the New Yorkers most bewitched by the holiday (i.e. crazy 60 year olds with rent stabilization), the child inside is the one they snatched from the stairwell and ate with a side of cat food.

There is no reason to be ashamed by this sense of innocence. Deep down, we all want to go trick or treating. This is nothing to feel embarrassed about, even if your favorite part is checking the candy afterwards for hidden razors (careful, we saw that crazy 60 year old loading up on Schick Quattro’s the other day).

Barfly has taken the liberty to provide some tips for trick-or-treating. Although we know we all want to, it’s not acceptable to go door to door like a 3 year old. Here are some sophisticated adaptations for the drunken 20 – 45 year old crowd. If you’re over 45 and need tips to figure this sort of thing out, you and your therapist have got a lot of work to do.

1. Wear a really scary mask (i.e. the grizzled face of an old alcoholic). When you spy a group of children who just knocked on a door, run up to them and scream, “Behold the ravages of age!”. Be sure to steal their candy as they run screaming with horror.

2. Try the new trend of reverse trick or treating – when people show up at your door pull a knife and demand fistfuls of miniature Three Musketeers.

3. Who really can eat that much candy? After collecting a few sweet morsels, switch to the good stuff. Start going from bar to bar and see if you can “trick or treat” yourself some free shots of Jager. If they refuse – don’t forget your vengeance. The trick, in this case, is not to toilet paper  a tree, but a call to the Department of Health. “At first, I thought everyone was just dressed up like baby roaches, but then I realized they weren’t costumes at all!”

4. Remember – Trick or Treating should be thrilling. If you have trouble getting excited, try challenging yourself. How many bags of Reese’s can you steal before the security guard at Duane Reade catches on?

5. If all else fails, make it into a drinking game. While going from door to door, take one shot for every person you see dressed as Sarah Palin. You should be well on your way to Drunktown after about 3.2 minutes.

Happy Halloween you glorious, disgusting lushes!

Cultural Cavorts: Bikini Blood Bath Car Wash

We had such a good time heading over to Two Boots Pioneer Theater for the opening of Bikini Blood Bath (more than a year ago) that we were ecstatic to find the sequel Bikini Blood Bath Car Wash would finally debut at the very same place. Premier at the very same Pizza Joint 12 months later? Screw an Oscar. That pepperoni is to die for.

A double feature promised to bring us back to the comedic slashings of the Evil Chef Killer and the purposeful nudity at a high school house party. We would then move on to the highly anticipated sequel. Needless to say, there would be numerous drinks in between.

What would Car Wash bring that the first Bikini Blood Bath did not? Definitely new pairs of bigger breasts. New actors and actresses took the role of old characters. Thankfully, they seemed to be in better shape. Now out of high school, the girls were recruited by our favorite lesbian gym teacher Mrs. Johnson (Debbie Rochon) to work at her new business. How perfect that it was a car wash? She spanks, whips and barks at the bikini clad girls to “Get to work!” They scrub windshields while she pines after them. Poor lonely soul.

As we hoped, the Evil Chef Killer rises from the grave (possibly brought on by a ouija board…oogety booogety!) to terrorize a house party, this time hosted by Mrs. Johnson. Everything we liked about the first movie appeared in this one, right down to the partygoers walking straight into obvious death traps and amateur hook up scenes. We hoped it would have moved along a little faster, though we appreciated all of the fat jokes and of course the retro inspired metal/rock soundtrack. We chose not to notice the sound and microphone issues because we admire those who can see projects through to the end while we are just getting wasted on martinis and passing out.

If nothing else, we learned how to fight an Evil Chef Killer should one come crash the next dance party hosted at our apartment. Tits, ass, elbows! Boo ya!

Review:Bikini Blood Bath –

The Evil Chef costumed as resurrected by an apparent smear of mud on his face - 3 olives -That’s certainly how we'd handle a make up job after four martinis.

Perverted college professor getting repeated car washes - 1 olive - Too creepy. How did the creators find someone with such horrible teeth? Put someone sexy in this role next time.

Creators hosting a Q & A after the movie to which someone responded “Everyone here was involved in the movie, no questions. Off to the bar!” - 3 olives - We enjoy this sort of family style environment in which everyone present contributed to a project they can’t promote because they are too busy bartending to pay for breast implants. How else did they expect to launch their acting careers? Props!

This Week in Drunktown: Damn You, Mechanical Bull!

-Johnny Utah’s, home to New York's only mechanical bull, is once again being sued because someone claimed they got “hurt” while riding it. A thirty year old (admittedly inebriated) woman climbed on the machine and was injured when the operator "caused the actions of the mechanical bull to become more violent in an effort to throw the plaintiff off.” She named several co-defendants in the suit, including Johnnie Walker for “causing to the desire to go for a ride,” her bra-maker for “spurring people to cheer perversely while riding,” and all male patrons in the bar for “generating poor self-esteem such that she needed to get drunk, show her breasts, and ride a fake bull.”

-Ex football star Joe Theismann joined the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board to launch "Tailgaters Urging Responsibility and Fun," or TURF, a public-awareness campaign promoting safe tailgating. They plan on introducing such important safety tips as “finish only thirteen of the Schlitz’s in the twenty-four pack that you brought” and “point the lighter fluid away from your face when squeezing.”

-NYBarfly completed a new list for British Airways / Metrotwin: New York’s Best Hotel Bars. We plan on adding to it, as we just visited The Plaza and The Fireside (more about those later). We’re a sucker for a good hotel bar. Instead of stumbling home and passing out, you can stumble upstairs, break into a stranger’s room, raid their mini bar, and pass out.

Review: BLT Prime

Plunging financial markets, bankrupt companies, and an unavoidable recession have produced a parade of somber faces in the media. The endless credit glory days are over. New York is in mourning. Indeed, the City may be grieving, but it’s not doing so in a puritanical fashion. A recent dinner at BLT Prime, situated in Gramercy, on 22nd Street, between Park and Lexington Avenues, revealed that the businessmen and women of this city are paying their respects as if they’re at an Irish Catholic wake. Groups of people in customized suits made toasts and burst into laughter in the comfortably noisy dining room, decorated with sepia images of classic New York. Despite Andrew Cuomo’s recent declaration that the “postmortem parties” are done, cunning New Yorkers have discovered how to continue celebrating.

Unlike the traditional meat-and-potato steakhouses, which these days fill an ironic niche much like the trucker hat, BLT Prime is a forward-looking restaurant. They offer a wide array of high-quality beef, along with substantial seafood offerings and creative side dishes. Prime and Porter House in the Time Warner Center could be siblings. The cuts of beef figuratively and literally take center stage at Prime. They’re housed in a glass dry aging room that you must walk past on your way to be seated. The tags hanging on the aging carcasses should have read “Lehman Brothers,” “AIG,” “Merill Lynch,” “Wachovia” and “WaMu.”

Overall, the food was solid and dependable, unlike the raging Wall Street roller coaster. We borrowed from the Japanese and ordered the special Kobe Flatiron medium rare, seared in a coat of pepper, at the overvalued price of $54. A look around the dining room showed we were not the only ones racking up more debt. A selection of sauces is offered with all of the steaks. This isn’t Applebee’s; there’s no need to cover up the meaty taste of these succulent steaks. Our dinner companions were happily satiated with their filet mignon and 22 oz. rib eye. All steaks are served on cast-iron hot pans and then transferred to your plate, a bit of accident-prone showmanship, akin to chugging Flaming Dr. Peppers in honor of your Uncle Joe O’Connelly.

The side dishes, appetizers and desserts capture the restaurant’s entrepreneurial character. Crunchy blue cheese tater tots served standing up, side-by-side. We expected them to fall, if only because we were too conditioned to the turns of the market. A salad of goat cheese dollops hidden by thinly sliced ruby red beets flavored with a smidge of cinnamon. A lemon “meringue” pie topped with pillowy, campfire-charred marshmallows. All were presented in delicate portions – if only the credit companies had doled out cards in the same way.

The restaurant indulged us with a freebie of two bread courses. A simple white slice, followed up by a gigantic popover, a house specialty. Our check arrived at the end of the meal, and there were no coupons or special sale price slashes to be found on it. We wondered how many patrons would be attaching their receipts to their expense reports tomorrow.

Review: BLT Prime

-Celebrating the recession, Irish Style – 4 olives – It’s good to see that New Yorker’s know how to have a good time during a downturn. It’s like the Irish, when they celebrated their epic potato famine. We bet those were some good steaks.

-Blue cheese tater tots – 5 olives – Not only delicious, but they stood firm the entire time despite our expectations of a downturn. We’re investing the remainder of our life savings in fancy tater futures.

-Freebies for the rest of them – 4 olives – We realize that not everyone can afford the luxuries of a classic Irish wake. Those free popovers can probably feed a family of 5 for at least 2 days.

Davey and Drunky Get Relief Packages

We Only Drink with Democrats - The Truth Through Action Party at Marquee

Young Republicans will easily accept the CHANGE WE NEED if it comes packaged like it was at the recent Truth Through Action party at Marquee. A room of PYDs (pretty young Democrats) slyly announced that they only tumble in the real American hay with other Democrats. The political organization premiered its new online viral film, American Centurion, and kicked off the night with a screening of its original short, Blue Balled. We won’t give away the happy ending, except to say John McCain may soon be integrated into abstinence-only sex education.

Photos of scantily clad men and women, wearing I Only Sleep With Democrats tank tops and T-shirts, hung on the teak walls of the main room, encouraging the young professionals to join the campaign, if only for the night. The crowd was a pulsating cross-section of New York culture – banking, fashion, art, with a sprinkling of law. The PYDs were united by two common attributes, all declared they were Democrats and all were very good-looking. It was like an episode of Gossip Girl if the characters flashed forward 10 years and developed a conscience. It’s possible a few Republicans snuck in under donkey’s clothing, but after seeing the crowd and the message, they wisely remained hidden.

Usually it’s the women who set the tone for an event, but, perhaps appropriately with this election, this night the men were the front-runners. A few standouts caught everyone’s eye: a tuxedo clad, techno geek; the 6’ 4” nutty professor in his kid-size three piece suit, and a lithe and tanned Bruce Springsteen with brown surfer boy locks. Their styles were an unconventional merger of traditional and modern and they should have been automatic losers. Instead, the men wearing the clothes were confident, committed and enthusiastic. They pulled off a surprising feat, much like the man they will be voting for on November 4.

Sex sells, and it certainly sold us at this political event. After a few Inocente cocktails, we jumped on the bed-wagon and volunteered with another PYD to canvass this week. We think we can convince some undecided voters by knocking on their doors with our portable bar.

Barfly’s Guide to Halloween in New York: Things to Do, Drink, and Die For on October 31st

As the most sophisticated New Yorkers know, Halloween is a tricky holiday. There are plenty of spooky things to do in New York City, but not all of them are the type of horror that you are looking for. Much like the Zombies in Thriller, Halloween awakens the socially dead and compels them to march across the bridges and tunnels that lead into Manhattan. Unfortunately the only fancy-dance that these monsters have prepared is the “getting blasted while dressed like a sexy cat” shuffle, and it’s not pretty. Good thing there are a few bars, clubs, and events worth attending on Halloween. Check these out, and be prepared to barricade yourself inside before Michael Jackson gets those crazy werewolf eyes and comes after you:

1.   Formerly Divine Bar East, new spot Haven is dressed up for Halloween. They are offering an open bar from 9 – 11 for the bargain price of $50. They also have a cash prize for the best costume, but be warned: this place is not about to reward the same old Sexy Cat or Heath Ledger’s Joker the cash. The lounge, located on East 51st Street, is far enough from the mad-house Village and the douche district (Upper East Side) that it should attract some truly sophisticated get-ups.

2.   There is another strategy for avoiding the horrifying crowds that Halloween draws: stay mobile. There is an excellent Halloween Pub Crawl that takes you from the old Village Pourhouse (downtown) to the new one (uptown). With stops at over 40 bars, the crawl is 5 miles long and lasts for three days. The scariest part? What you will look/smell like if you are able to make it across the finish line. The kids will scream and run from you as you stumble home singing “One, two, drunky’s coming for you. . ."

 

3.   It’s always fun to stay in and play with the trick or treaters. No, not the children   running around the building. You can use a large knife (preferably serrated) to shoo them away. We’re talking about having a few friends over, and plying them with cocktails when they come to the door. How is this different than your normal night in? Make the drinks spooky. We enjoy this recipe for “Vampire Juice”. If your guests aren’t sufficiently scared, threaten to take away all alcohol from them and serve coffee.

 

             Finlandia Vampire Juice -In a tall glass with ice mix:

            2 oz Finlandia Lime Vodka

            4 oz tomato juice

            1/2 teaspoon fresh horseradish,

            Splash of steak sauce (any brand)

            Splash of hot sauce

            Garnish with eyeball radish.

To make ice "eyeballs": Peel radishes, leaving thin streaks of red skin on to represent blood vessels. Using the tip of the vegetable peeler, or a small, knife, carefully scoop out a small hole in each radish, roughly the size of an olive. Stuff a green olive, pimiento side out, in each hole. Place one radish eyeball in each section of an empty ice cube tray. Pare the radishes down a bit to fit, if necessary. Fill the tray with water and freeze overnight.

 

4. East Village’s Theater for the New City let’s you go all out at their annual Halloween Costume Ball. The event promises a respite from the mania of the village, with sophisticated trappings like live cabaret, vaudeville acts, big band orchestras and (of course) drinking. This is an excellent option for those who want to get all dolled up without having to deal with the “it’s not just a costume, I dress like this every day” lunatics at the parade.

If these suggestions aren’t blood-curdling enough for you, then you are quite the hard Halloween-goer to please. If you’re going to take the holiday that seriously, then you know what you’ll end up doing for the night. Yes, we know that it's only one night a year that you get to crouch in the corner of the subway platform and swipe menacingly at passerbys. Just because it scares the shit out of us, doesn’t mean that it made our list!

 

Drink of the Week: A Cuba Libre with some Matusalem Rum (You Rock Columbus!)

Barfly prefers the outsider’s view of world history. How about Christopher Columbus? Yes, we all know that he sailed the Ocean Blue and discovered America on October 12th. Can you say boring? Sexy cocktail chatter involving the discovery of the New World became passé circa 1532. Although chatter about Columbus Day won’t get you very far in modern cocktail culture, there is a tantalizing October surprise left in the story. How about the explorer’s second, lesser known discovery? On October 27th he mistook Cuba for Japan and claimed the land for Spain.

We love a good historical “whoopsie”, and this certainly is one of them. Needless to say, the place that he discovered was not the Far East island nation. Although it didn’t have silks and spices for trade, good ol’ Chris lucked out. Cuba was home to some kick ass rum. As we learned in our mainstream history classes, the discoveries on his expedition changed the world forever. As we know from our outsider’s perspective, much drunken wackiness ensued.

This week we chose to celebrate Chris’s lesser known triumphs with a dash of Cuban heritage. Matusalem Rum was one of Cuba’s top brands until Fidel kicked it off the island. As you know, we love a good misfit. We headed down to the Rusty Knot earlier this week and noticed the rum (currently being produced in the Dominican Republic) stationed behind their expertly curated bar. We figured we should spend Monday celebrating Columbus’ discovery by making some Cuban inspired drinks at home.

The Ultimate Cuba Libre:

-2 oz. Matusalem Gran Reserva Rum

-Cola

-Wedge of Lime

-Half fill a chilled Highball or Collins glass with ice cubes, add rum and fill with cold cola. Stir gently and squeeze the lime wedge over drink and drop into glass.

To top off your celebration of Columbus Day Redux, finish three or four of these, go out into the streets, and start “discovering” new worlds like Pennsyltucky and New Upper Monrovia. Claim them for your patron nation (i.e. your two story walk up) and celebrate your triumph with another drink.

This week in Drunktown: Zima is Dead. Long Live Crappy Drinks for Teens.

-Ladies and Gentlemen, a tragedy has befallen Drunktown: Zima has been discontinued. Yes, we may have been unfair to this fizzy/faggy beverage at times, but it was still part of the drunken family. We are sad to see it go. To carry on the memory, we’re holding a vigil all weekend. We mixed three bottles of Absolut 100 into a garbage can filled with sprite. We plan on inviting a few thirteen year olds over and ladling it into their mouths. Zima would be proud.

-Wine sales are beginning to be hit by the recession. A report by Morgan Stanley shows that domestic beer is on the upswing while vino is headed down. A financial analyst explains – “When a financial storm hits, luxury items are the first to go. Fancy-schmancy futures are down by 11%”.

-A Beer maker in Mexico came under fire for naming their brew after the “patron-saint” of drug dealers. Malverde Beer is named after Jesus Malverde. He revolutionized drug trafficking in the early days of the trade. The brewer shrugged off the criticism, claiming that the whiners “can only wish they were beheaded in a drug war.”

Tips for Returning to Work after a Liquid Lunch

It’s a stressful time to be working these days – the Dow is down a zillion points, a recession looms, and that investment that you drunkenly made on Ostrich futures is looking like it was not such a good idea (who'd have known that the slogan The Other Brownish Meat wouldn’t catch on). Chances are that you’ll find that your lunchtime nourishment is lacking. Don’t worry, we don’t blame you for knocking back a few during work. They used to have three Martini lunches all the time back in the day and the economy did just fine (according to the recent historical survey we completed). After those 12 episodes of Mad Men, we feel that we can complete a dissertation on the subject.

The problem with taking the edge off at noon is that four more hours of fun-filled work remain. Yes, we know that 90% of your job is sitting there and pretending to look busy. But it is a challenge to press ‘send and receive’ every 3.2 seconds (yea! Daily candy!) while trying to appear sober. Here are our tips for staying on the right side of the unemployment line -

1.When you return to the office be sure to close the door and do not pick up the phone for at least 60 minutes. If you are forced to return messages – try doing so through email. Limit the response to three words and one emoticon. ‘Will advise shortly J’ and “Busy, talk soon L” are both acceptable responses, as no one can smell an emoticon’s breath.

2.Don't offer any ideas, advice, or solutions for at least 3.5 hours. If you are invited to a meeting– try your best to get out of it. If you are pressured to attend, cover by saying something that involves a Chipolte burrito, the 19 year old blonde intern, your bowels, and the word “Boo-yah”. Ladies – don’t hesitate to use your all purpose / gender specific wild card: “I’m sorry, I’m having feminine issue.” Frowny-face emoticon optional.

3. If you think the higher ups suspect that you’ve been hitting the sauce – it's time to release your countermeasures. There is a fine line between suspicions of misbehavior and firing your ass. Quickly create a diversion by starting a rumor about another employee, but be sure to make it seem casual: “What’s that thing that they do with the tin foil and the drugs and the inhalation? From that movie? Gosh – I really forget what it’s called. I guess I should ask George, he seemed to know about it the other day in the bathroom!”

4. If you plan on making a habit out of this, you should have a quick cure kit hidden in your desk. Stock it with toothpaste, a toothbrush, Visine, a tube of charcoal and a stomach pump. They will have NO idea.

5.If the downturn continues and you sense that your company is about to go under, don’t hesitate to have one too many on your lunch-hour. This will encourage you to head back to the office and collect your proper severance package. You can probably get at least $300 for those copper fittings that you rip out of the wall. When they come in and ask you what happened, you have the perfect out – “Oh my god – I don’t know what’s wrong with George! He was tearing apart the walls like a maniac. I think he was hopped up or something!”