Gentle reader – we’ve been spending so much time on enunciation (please – stop – we know where the goddamn rain falls already) that an integral part of the Sophisticate’s Guide has been neglected. Yes, we’re talking about vocabulary (drunken synonym: vocabbuuualarrry). You may slur it, but you’ll still have to use it. How else are you supposed to impress people into buying you free martinis? Ha – your looks? Indeed – when you’re memorizing the dictionary, be sure to look up uncomely and pie-hole (as in ‘your’).
We’ve taken the liberty of fleshing out some drunk-speak to get you started. While you fill-in some flash cards, we’re off to get free drinks. Don’t be jealous - it’s not our fault that our pie-hole happens to be pulchritudinous.
Ripped – (adj.) –A state of supreme drunkenness in which the intoxicated party tries to tear clothing off of both themselves and others in the room. In the case that they are already naked and there is no one else in the vicinity, the individual may start to savage newspaper, curtains, or any other material that they might mistake for the dreaded “commie in the corner.”
Origin – Greek – Originally used as a musing on the state of a hung-over citizen: “Oh shit, you must have had quite the night at the bacchanal, thine toga got ripped.”
Uses: 1. I can’t wait to get ripped tonight –lovely girl in the corner just wants me to tear her clothes off. 2. Dude – why is your grandmother’s bible all like, in pieces? We must’ve been RIPPED bro!
Gin blossoms – (n.) – The broken blood vessels on an elderly drunk’s cheeks and nose, a symptom of years of alcohol abuse. Also known as that crap on that old guys face.
Origin – Anglo-Saxon – During the Victorian Era, genteel women used to splash gin on their cheeks to add color. When they obtained the perfect hue, they were refereed to as ‘blossoms’. If they actually drank the gin and showed the signs of drunkenness, they were committed to the asylum and treated for hysteria.
Uses: 1. A jolly old man arrives at your dinner party – “Well, I didn’t have time to stop for flowers, but I (motions to face) brought Gin Blossoms! You have sherry, right?” 2. “I feel so horrible about these gin blossoms on my face. It’s so embarrassing. Did they really have to be named after such a shitty band?”
Hair of the Dog – (n.) – A hangover cure, taken the morning after a hefty bender. The drink must be alcoholic to balance out the withdrawal going on in your system. Usually a Bloody Mary, or another 16 beers.
Origin – 1920’s U.S.A. – Prohibition is raging, and so are the hangovers. A snake-oil salesman actually convinces his patients that the cure lies in the newfangled medicine of ‘licking the nearest dog on the back’. For this he charges $3, plus the $20 he takes in for the bathtub gin that is used to wash the dog-taste out of the patient’s mouth. Works every time!
Uses: 1. “Ugh – I just woke up on the bathroom floor with blood all over, and my wife’s dead body is in the tub. I need some hair of the dog.” 2. “Come on Rover, you can come out from under the porch, daddy just wanted some Hair of the Dog, we swear.”
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