Dear Drunky,
My boyfriend and I recently visited the Big Apple. It was his first trip to NY. I wanted to show him a good time. The night was young. We both had our share of Thai food and wine. We were ready to party NYBarfly style, or so I thought. We walked (stumbled) around town in search for the perfect bar. As we passed through Times Square my buzz was thirsty and my bladder angry. My quest quickly changed from trying to find a place to chill to finding somewhere (other than the gutter) to pee.
I looked up urgently and saw warm lights and beer signs hanging from the second story windows of the building next to us. A bar (A bathroom!!). It looked awesome. I was about to climb the building to get in when my boyfriend took my hand and directed me towards the entrance (he is so thoughtful!). Why is the fun bar attached to this weird restaurant? Why are there so many kids and tour groups taking family pictures? SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT!
We dashed for a big staircase and ran up...We were greeted at the top by two bubbly waiters. Their cheer stopped us in our tracks and they actually told us to follow the smiley faces to our seats! The horror! "We need a drink" We asked for the bar and I bolted to the bathroom...no longer just to pee...but also to hide until I could figure out where the hell we were. "Is this Narnia? Is this New Jersey??? What is happening?" I pulled myself together. I made my way back to the bar where I found my boyfriend sweating. "Have you been here before?" he asked. "No, I'm so sorry!" I declared. We downed our pints and conspired about how to leave without being seen.
As we descended the staircase I overheard the jolly patrons laughing and yelling "Life is like a box of chocolates!"
I accidentally had drinks at Bubba Gump's! How can I redeem myself?!
Life is Like a Box of Horrible Chain Restaurants!
Howdy Horrified,
A terrifying tale indeed! We understand how the urge to drink can lead you down the wrong path, but Bubba Gump’s! You should count your blessings – you were only doors away from New York’s own Bermuda Triangle: the Red Lobster. You were able to survive your encounter with the movie-inspired chain, but one moment at the neighboring clam-shackle would have left you as steamed as some overpriced crab legs.
Luckily, Gump’s wisdom proves true in this case. Life is like a box of chocolates. And when you are offered the box, you get to open it and realize that Russell Stover candy sucks. You can redeem yourself by throwing the goodies to the ground and running to the nearest well-lit lounge to wash your mouth out with a martini.
Redemption won’t be easy – but it is certainly possible. You must vow never to enter another chain restaurant again (except for TGI Fridays, which is only allowed if you do it ‘ironically’). Then – you must visit the city and show your boyfriend how the true sophisticates in New York eat.
Make a reservation four months in advance at a meatpacking district hot spot. Come equipped with your credit cards, and choose popular dishes the waiter describes as “well, it’s basically fennel – but with sauce.” Grimace when your tab is dropped on the table and you’ve spent over $400. Decide that you might as well order more martinis at this point, and shoot for the $500 mark. After all, you’re on “vacation”.
As you struggle for the next 2-5 years to pay off your credit cards, think about what you’ve done and ask the most important question of all: WWLDD (What Would Lieutenant Dan Do?). When the bill is finally paid, you are redeemed!
Good luck next-time,
Drunky
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