During the summer, the heat can lead to mass delirium. Your friends are going to want you to “come over” and to “eat meat that was cooked on fire.” While all of that may be considered mildly acceptable – they are going to top it off with a doozie. This isn’t just any summer pig roast. This is the annual event that has left Manhattanites rolling their eyes since the days of the Indians (c. 1987). It’s The Brooklyn Barbeque.
Gentle reader, you must be strong and attend. The weather is nice out, there will be cold drinks. We know that crossing a river can be exhausting, but this is the one time of the year where it is somewhat bearable. You get to use it as your Get Out of Going to the Boroughs Free Card for the rest of the year. When your adorable Brooklyn friends chime “You never come to Brooklyn, why aren’t you coming to my party!” you get to say “I have come to Brooklyn, I went to that meat cooking thing this summer, now leave me to my martini.”
Of course, we wouldn’t leave you to fend off the hipsters by yourself. Here are some helpful tips for dealing with this summer tradition:
1. When confronted with crying children, pretend to think it is “cute”. Things like “awwww” and “his spittle is adorable” are acceptable comments. “Put the baby on the grill” and “I love shaking baby syndrome” are not.
2. While riding the subway, be sure to have an activity to pass the time. We hear that many Brooklynites have taken up knitting while on mass transit. This presents the perfect activity for you – grab the needles out of their hands and stab them in the thigh.
3. When half the party shows up late because they were at the “pool” – know that they are talking about McCarren Park, not an actual body of water. You will be saved the embarrassment of accusing them – “I see that you’re not wet at all, nor are you in swim trunks. You must be lying about this ‘pool’ nonsense, you mangy hipster!”
4. BBQ’s are built around food, not martinis. You will have to endure the sordid business of eating. Luckily, at this sort of event, you can chew on one rib for two hours at a time. If approached for seconds, gnaw away and exclaim “this sauce is deeeelish!” If they still press food on you, threaten to kill the baby.
5. All the different areas of Brooklyn can be confusing. If someone asks you “what part of Brooklyn are we in again?” respond “I’ll tell you what part we’re in – it’s called my cock.”
6. Plan your escape in advance. When the Brooklynites start pressuring you to move into the borough (“it’s really not that bad”), you know its time. Luckily, there are plenty of getaway vehicles around. As you head out - steal a bike. To breakaway from the hipsters in pursuit, throw it at them.
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