The deal is sealed! Belgian Brewer InBev (maker of Stella Artois) has finalized their takeover bid for the American beer giant Anheuser-Busch. Although InBev is tipsy from the possibilities of the merger, Americans are wary to raise their glass to the thought of a major industry being owned by “foppy euro-trash”.
It all happened quicker than you could slam a Bud-Light tall boy. The Belgian Brewer overcame initial resistance by raising their offer and Budweiser, initially resistant to the deal, succumbed to the truest American dream: selling out for cash. Longtime Bud drinkers are horrified at the thought of potential changes – the fear circulating is that the Belgians may make America’s national brew actually taste good.
Because it is our patriotic duty, Barfly will provide a rundown of what happened this week. Though we are sad that America has lost its treasured brand to the Euros, we are happy about what the deal did to our stock portfolio. What – you think we invested our money in American Beer? Right. And the rest of our valuable cash is invested in Yugoslavian auto manufacturing.
Booze in the News from the Takeover Front:
-There was much concern about what would happen to the world famous Clydesdale horses. As part of the deal, InBev promised to maintain them as the mascots for the treasured brand. Bud did have to give something up in exchange. To cover the cost of the ponies, they agreed to the slaughter of 17 blue-collar factory employees.
-The City of St. Louis is particularly upset by the merger – Budweiser’s main offices are located there and the company was a long time supporter of their locale. InBev has promised to meet the city halfway: they are going to use the building as their North American headquarters but plan to replace the overweight staff with svelte fairy-tale characters.
- The U.S. Congress, who was prepared to draft legislation to stop the takeover, is disappointed that the company so readily sold-out when the government was prepared to fight. Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill lamented “It’s a tragedy – American companies give all of these campaign donations, and then expect nothing in return.”
- The teamsters have requested a meeting with management. Though there is likely not much they can do to stop the deal, they have made demands. If their wages get docked or if they loose jobs, they plan on “whooping some Hansel ass”.