It’s nice to see that we’ve moved beyond the battles of the past. People don’t get lynched anymore in this country because of their race. To get tied to the hangin’ tree, you have to do something really egregious. For example - one bad word about the current Batman, and it’s the angry mob / pitchforks for you. (Angry mob = a hodgepodge of dweebs and pitchforks=anonymous blog comments with the profanities misspelled)
We caught the flick after a martini on a recent rainy afternoon. We would tell people what we really think, but are afraid of that culture mob. With Christian Bale busy fighting assault charges, we doubt that he would be able to come save us in time.
As an aside – a word of support for Mr. Bale. He’s a movie star after all. We’re sure his mother deserved the assault (how could she do this to him – he was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly!)
So, we decided to focus on the positive. Here are some reasons why the newest Batman is the BEST MOVIE EVER!
1. Complete Lack of Suspense – It went well with our cocktail. After a martini, do we really want to bother caring what happens on screen? We think not.
2. The Big Black Prisoner on the Ferry – This movie says ZOCK! to racial stereotypes (except for dirty Hispanic policewomen and crooked Asian bankers).
3. Fourth ending – By the second time the movie should have ended, we were really starting to wear thin. But when the fourth ending came around, it’s like we were a new born pup, just yapping to see Harvey Dent’s face fall off.
4. Commissioner Gordon – With all the CGI trickery these days, it’s still good to see someone can still pull off the ‘ol switcheroo.
5. The Joker – Someone clearly paid attention on “let’s pretend to be crazy” day of acting school. He was right up there with other notable performances like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura 2 and Sharon Stone in real life.
A lot of good stuff there. We are glad to see that everything turned out OK – otherwise young Mr. Ledger’s death would have been for nothing. Oh wait, we forgot the marketing value. Nevermind.
Review: Batman- The Dark Knight
Valuable Lessons Imparted by the movie – 5 olives – We walked away with two important insights: torture is wrong and warrant-less wiretapping is too much power for one man dressed as a bat to have. We nominate Morgan Freeman for a newly created cabinet post: Czar of Reminding Us of What Really Matters in the Voice of Morgan Freeman.
Maggie Gyllenhaal as Katie Holmes – 2 olives – We didn’t really find her believable – not boobs enough.
Spending $200 Million on a movie and your main character still talks with a ridiculous “I AM THE DARK KNIGHT” rasp – 1 olive – It might have sounded like a good idea in the screen play, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK ON SCREEN.
The Ghost of Heath Ledger – 4 olives – A lucrative franchise has been born. We hear the poltergeist is getting $13M for his next feature – Batman: Isn’t Heath Ledger Amazing! It’s Such a Tragedy. The studio is using the blooper reel, a life-like puppet, and footage from Access Hollywood to construct Heath’s performance.
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