What defines a bender? Hmmm. We better put our drinking cap on.

Of late, there has been some controversy as to what constitutes a proper “bender”. The sober-minded spouses of our dear drunken friends mark a bender at “two days of heavy drinking in a row”. On the other hand, there are people like our local congressional representative who qualify a bender as “five days in jail after getting a DUI, ruining your political career and exposing your secret second family.”

To a proper sophisticate, the truth lies somewhere in between. While we certainly drink a hearty share for more than the aforementioned two days, we would never think to out our secret polygamous side. By the way - Jezebeth and Mordicai - if you’re reading this, you best be off to bed (blessed be).

The benevolent Barfly that we are, we decided to get to the bottom of this definitional dilemma. We’ll start with the usual suspects. And no, the urban dictionary does not constitute a usual suspect – we don’t care for when those pomo posers fake the funk about such serious things. Word.

Dictionary.com: Bender (n.) –

1. A person or thing that bends, as a pair of pliers or a powered machine.

2. Slang – a drinking spree.

Well, that doesn’t help very much at all, now does it? How much can a pair of pliers drink before it feels tipsy? We watched 6.5 hours of Myth Busters and still have no answer.

A drinking spree seems more reasonable, but that’s still too ambiguous. We did what any proper journalist would do and turned to the streets for answers. When we realized that asphalt can’t speak, we decided to ask our friends. We cataloged what we could make out through their glorious slurs:

• ”Two words. Tequila Sunrise. You still have to be drinking it when that thing in the sky comes up and blinds you.”
• “6 nights of excessive drinking. At least two of them have to involve gambling but less than three can end with you waking up in your own bed.”
• “A fortnight of trying to clear your head because of the direction your life is going - nowhere” (we love people who use the word fortnight; we bought her another case of champagne for clarity purposes).

For balance, we asked a smattering of Mormons and recovering alcoholics the same questions.

• “Two nips of the peep-stone is a party, three nips a bender.” (We’re so proud of young Mordicai for coming up with such insight)
• “Why the hell are you asking me this? I have to call my sponsor.”
• “Just because I tuck my pants into my jeans doesn’t mean I’m a Mormon.”

Ay! We are so exhausted by this research. We decided that we would reward our field work with a delicious martini. The very moment we added a dash of vermouth, the true definition hit us! Like dictionary.com – it comes in two parts. Gentle reader, please keep in mind that we pursue such scholarly discourse purely for your benefit.

Bender (n.) –

1. Two consecutive nights of not drinking.

2. Who care’s what the hell it means. Quit your yapping and have another drink.

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