Yo! Vito! What the freak ya’ doin!
Being the Manhattan bound Barfly that we are, we’ve never wanted to live on the island they call Staten (American-Indian for Superfund Site). Some recent news has made us reconsider our high-end habitat. Vito Fossella, Staten Island’s representative to the U.S. congress, was given one of those little gold stars that we used to receive in kindergarten: a drunk-driving citation.
Vito was doing his Drunk Town civic duty when he was pulled over by Virginia state police last Thursday evening. He claimed that he had “two or three glasses of wine, about three hours earlier.” When the officers didn’t seem content with that attempt at honesty, Vito entered the spin room before the room started spinning. He claimed that he was in a rush “to go get his daughter who had to be taken to the hospital.” The officers were not given a specific reason for the emergency visit, but were told that symptoms included the fact that she “loves America too much” and “don’t you know who I am? She’s fuckin sick if I say she’s fuckin sick.”
To get his very own gold star, the officers asked Vito to complete a very hard big-boy task: recite the alphabet, starting from D. “Mr. Fossella started: ‘D, E, F, H, G, H, I, J, L,’”. Ohhhh, so close! While the alphabet on Staten Island does have 2 H’s (see local dictionary, yes = “Huh” and no = “uh-uh”), he missed the K!
The officers decided on extra-credit. Though he failed the alphabet portion of the exam, they were impressed when they asked Rep. Fossella to spell his name and he replied “G, U, I, D, O”. It was then that he was told that he would receive the shiny star, plus four days in jail.
“Right now politics is the last thing on my mind,” he said at a recent press conference. “Right now it’s the embarrassment of my family, my friends and my community.” We could tell that Vito was embarrassed, especially when he looked out at the press room and said “God, like, this is like, so frickin stressful. Does anyone have two or three glasses of wine?” Why is it that we’re always the only journalist that carries a portable bar, didn’t they teach them anything at that Columbia place?
Well, when Vito returns, we propose a ticker tape parade on the Island for him (Barfly parade planning tip #79: torn up cocktail napkins make great ticker-tape). If he was at home, he never would have been arrested. Those silly Virginia police thought it was a problem that the representative’s blood alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit. But on Staten Island, that sort of thing is normal. Driving under the influence isn’t measured by B.A.L., it’s determined by the driver’s all important garbage-fumes index.
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