Gentlemen – start your engines! Uh. . .no, that’s not quite right (we’re already a little juleped from our third mint cocktail). We do declare, we say we do declare that what we meant was: Horseys – start your haunches!
It’s Derby Day – our favorite horse related non-holiday (our second favorite being Jell-O Appreciation Tuesday). When else do we actually get accepted for wearing our adhesive white goatee and walking around with a mint-julep poured in a KFC chicken bucket? When we do this on a normal Saturday, we are met with screams of pervert (it is not our fault - decorum insists that if the children on the playground ask for a sip, we must comply).
But Derby Day is special. The malicious glares are replaced by splendid women in bonnets asking for a “line” on the coming race. Being the gentleperson that we are, it is our duty to help them. Dear reader, you can also feel free to place your bets using the below odds.
We are sure that 98% of you are true Southern Gentry and have no need for such insight, but for the 2% of you that are glorious Jersey-City dwelling derelicts – here’s your line. Be sure to pay attention, she’ll kill you if you don’t win that wedding ring back.
Barfly’s Odds on the Kentucky Derby:
2:1 odds - You’ll get annoyed at figuring out the multi-step process that makes a true julep and decide to swill the Maker’s Mark directly from the bottle instead.
3:1 odds – That the NASCAR set amongst you are shaking your heads and asking “what’s the big deal with a bunch of horses running in a circle.” Just do your best to imagine that the ponies are front loaded with Danica Patrick’s breasts, then you’ll understand.
2:3 odds – The horse will cross the finish line, and you’ll jump up and scream “I won, I won!” You’ll excitedly daydream about all the things that you’ll be able to do with the money, until you realize that the race was two days ago and you’re actually watching Sea Biscuit.
10:1 odds – That she’ll accept you back after you return home with a tin-foil “wedding ring” around your finger and explain “what are you talking about honey – it’s the same ring!”
50:1 odds - Barbaro’s ghost will get the sympathy vote and be declared the winner of the race. It will be a truly joyous moment when the spirit of Jack Palance accepts the trophy for his deft jockeying.
If you can’t make it to Churchill Downs or your local (surely luxurious) Off Track Betting establishment – take a look at this list of New York haunts that will be slinging juleps and cooking up horse-burgers through the entire day’s worth of "midget-jockey jokes”. Can’t they have a 6-foot minimum next year? We’re so exhausted of tired jokes about the dwarf people, especially because they have wee-little feelings too.