A curious reader got back to us after we so helpfully defined the term bender for our audience. He is clearly a good drunken boy, because he asked a good drunken question.
Q: “Barfly, is it possible to plan a bender?”
A: We had to ponder this one for a while. We tried to ask the Ethicist, but he merely responded “Your breath reeks of scotch, do you even know what ethics are?”
We will have to leave that definition for next time - but we suspect the term has something to do with strategically placed nanny-cams. As for planning a Bender – we’ve figured out that it’s just like a pregnancy.
You can plan and plan, do it at the right time, work with many different props (a turkey baster filled with Mojito), and still end up barren and frustrated.
Then again – you can have every intention of never having a bender and then when the seal of the gin breaks and a martini is poured, you can wake up 9 months later and wonder “where your life went”.
The short answer: while planning a bender can prove difficult, it is possible. The accidental bender is more likely, and we’re sure you’ll come to love it when it is making goo-goo eyes at you. Our advice to the dude who asked the question: if you want to plan a bender, make sure to do it when you’re ovulating.
On other follow-up fronts – we just wanted to point out what tremendous power we have (nary ye fear - we wield it modestly). After we reported that Rep. Vinnie Fosella was stopped for a DUI – even more scandal came to light. His secret second family put a bit of a damper on his bid for reelection. Like, bummer dude.
Barfly has confirmed that Representative Drunky will be retiring at the end of his term. We are dismayed that Drunktown will have one fewer vote in the Congress. Ted Kennedy – we need you more than ever – kill that tumor with some good Irish Chemo (can’t they inject Vodka directly into his brain?).
The retirement party is sure to be a blast. Barfly has word that it’s going to be on Staten Island. As per local tradition, both of Fossella’s families will be on hand, and they will Jell-O Wrestle for the title of wife and children (the losers of the match will walk away with the titles “fuckin’ whore” and “little bastards”).