Planning an intervention? Not before we intervene!

It’s sad for Barfly to see our loving friends step out of control – especially because it’s their turn to pay for cocktails. What makes us even more horribly downcast is the dreaded excuse for a party that middle-America qualifies as “doing-something” – the intervention.

A bunch of your “friends” and distant sober cousins (we didn’t intervene when you converted to Mormonism, now did we Steve) all sitting in a room and telling you that “they’re doing this for your own good”. How undeniably lame. We would even go so far as to elevate that to the almost unspeakable Lame-O, especially because they are sitting on folding chairs.

Barfly has oft-noted two things about these social gatherings. Firstly – it’s rare that the person truly has to change their lifestyle. Just because they set the bar on fire two nights ago doesn’t mean they need to get completely off the sauce. Instead, they should learn how to relax and not have “too much fun”. We’ve found that if subtly encouraged, these folks who seem to be ‘out of control’ will make the right decision. When faced with a choice between their next gin-and-tonic and stabbing that guy in the leg, they’ll stay on the right side of things. Note: although injury to others is indubitably fun, the possibility of bleeding-out makes it “too much fun”.

Secondly – even though it may be a solemn affair because you are encouraging someone to “drink less”, there is no excuse. It most certainly can be a memorable party. So, put those folding chairs back in the dumpster and dis-invite Great Aunt Esther – no one’s cared what she’s thought for 32 years.

Below see some tips for a Barfly approved intervention. And, remember – as long as the person with whom you’re intervening is at least 2 drinks behind you for the duration of the party, your task is done! Moral of the story? Have numerous drinks before they arrive.

Tips for a truly fantastic Garden Party (a sophisticate's code word for intervention):

1. Everyone loves croquet. And, if the slovenly drunkard of the group is not listening to “reason” (i.e. – instead of three martinis, how about two martinis and then a champagne cocktail) the mallets can be brandished as persuasive tools. The subject may even be drunk enough to experience Alice in Wonderland style hallucinations and deiced to drink “tea” for the rest of the evening. If they start manically screaming about cats in trees, consider the intervention successful.

2. Nobody likes a quitter (though, reverse-quitters have a special place in our heart). Make sure to encourage temperance with positive sounding language. Instead of preaching that “you should drink less” dance around and say “isn’t drinking less so much fun!” Other affirmations can include: “When I get older, its going to be so exciting to have my heart function properly!”, “Making a complete ass out of yourself is nowhere near as peachy as being able to have a coherent conversation!” and “OMG! Like, exercise personal restraint, cause like, everybody’s doing it and its awesome!”.

3. Theme it up. Telling someone that their habits are out of control can create tension and strife in relationships. But, how can tension and strife be created if you’re dressed like a pirate! “Arrghh, ye drink too much, ye scallywag!” – how irresistibly charming is that? If bad blood persists, quickly do a ‘forgiveness’ puppet show that stars your stuffed parrot.

4. Set examples and teach lessons through the creative use of skits. We suggest adapting children’s fairy tales to impart morals. Its fun for the whole group, and really gets the lesson across. A recent example, our staging of: Little Red Riding Hood Gets Sold into Sexual Slavery because she had too Many Stoli/Sodas. If you are going to take that idea, make sure that the actress cast as Red is suitably meek and nymph-ish.

5. Be sure not to worry so much. It’s likely that you will be able to get through to them, and they will change their destructive ways. Even if you don’t, be sure not to take it too personally. Throwing a successful intervention party is exhausting. The only person we’ve seen hit this out of the park is Death. We’re sure his cocktails are marvelous!