Ladies and Gentlemen, it is times like these that call for a Barfly bat-signal. A beacon should be projected into the sky to raise the alarm. The symbol would not be a blood sucking mammal – instead a glistening martini glass would inform the city that something nefarious is afoot (for the vocabulary deficient plebeians out there, nefarious=sober and afoot=truckin’).
We’d be happy to take on the Joker – once we get through Mary Kate’s security goons (Zock!), we suspect that Heath won’t put up much of a fight after his visit with the Xanax fairy. This week’s villain is a much more daunting foe. For the past three months, New York community boards have been subversively recommending that liquor licenses only be approved for establishments that shutter at 2AM. There are rumors filtering into our utility belt (we never thought rumors would tickle in so interesting a fashion). The State Liquor Authority may be conspiring with the boards to turn our island into a 2AM town.
Slowly fading out the 4 AM closing time? Telling the entire eastern seaboard “lights out” before the glorious witching hour of near dawn? Sluts having nowhere to go but “home by themselves”? All we can say is Holy Lame-Ass Party Poopers Batman! To the Martini-cave!
Barfly is sitting closely to the red phone – we will swoop (i.e. stumble) in to save the city if absolutely needed. The people – i.e. poor innocent bar owners – are understandably upset. New York liquor establishments reportedly make over 58% of their income between the hours of 1 and 4 am. We suspect that the 92% of city citizens would be up in arms if this truly is a conspiracy. 8% of the city would be thrilled. Who are they? Picture a fish eating Danny Devito sitting in a rent controlled apartment, their flippers furiously fingering a decibel counter that is pointed out the window toward the local bar.
Bless their hearts. Despite their villainy, we feel for them for two reasons. They think they live in Boston. And, that decibel counter is their only friend, save for the despots on their local community board.
Tune in next time gentle reader, we will do our best to keep you posted. In fact, Lois Lane is with us this very minute - sitting on the chaise and trying to get to the bottom of this. Oh, quiet you! Who cares if we’re mixing superhero metaphors? You’re just jealous because Lois isn’t asking you to pour her a dry martini.