Boston Bans Bottle Service!

Much to the chagrin of the powerful meathead lobby, Boston has become the first major city to ban bottle service from their clubs.

Members of the Boston Licensing board aren’t just party-poopers because they can’t get past the velvet ropes (aldermen wearing fanny-packs must go to the back of the line). Paying in excess of $300 for some Goose apparently breaks the city’s long time “happy-hour” law.

The statute states that an establishment can’t serve more than two drinks per patron at any time. When enacted, the purpose was to keep residents out of such dangerous businesses like “experiencing joy” and “being cool”. The public was prepared to revolt tea-party style, until they realized that they lived in Boston.

One long-time resident explained: ”We don’t know what we’d do if there was too much joy. There would be chaos. And, this ‘coolness’ is surely the work of female witches”. Barfly would still like to know how he got his shoe buckles so shiny (could it be that those witches have more than one talent?).

The wealthy-drinking sect is up in arms about the expansion of this law. The last time they were this mobilized was when the legislature banned cargo-shorts from anywhere that served beer. “The townies were upset, to say the least,” the council president informed. “But, it was time to let go of cargo-shorts, they are all in their 30’s. I’m sorry to say, but life just isn’t one big Kegger. Not in my town.”

When asked for comment, the townie spokesman could only say: “Dude. . ..”

The licensing board believes that the recent bottle-service ban will be another “for their own damn good” success. “We’re not New York and we’re not South Beach," board-leader Daniel Pokaski said. “The city of Boston has a lot more to offer than just getting people inebriated.”

Barfly decided to test Pokaski’s statement. We were able to find plenty of other things to do than say Bah! to bottle service. Did you know that some Paul Revere guy wore a funny hat, and it stayed on the WHOLE time that he was saving America.

There was also a great sale at the local Gap. We may not have been tipsy, but we got a fantastic deal on some new shorts. They have tons of fancy pockets. Awesome!