Barfly is pleased to see that many a state legislature celebrated the 5 year anniversary of the Iraq war in style. Truly patriotic states like Kentucky, Wisconsin and South Carolina have proposed drops in the drinking age for US soldiers. Working under the “you don’t have to be straight to shoot straight model”, the politicians in said states figure that if you’re old enough to grab a gun for your country, then you’re old enough to get bombed in a local country bar.
South Carolina State Rep. Fletcher Smith describes the thinking: "If you can take a shot on the battlefield," he says, "you ought to be able to take a shot of beer legally." He went on to proclaim that his constituent soldiers “damn better be straight enough to shoot straight, South Carolina boys ain’t pussies." He kindly demonstrated this fact by filling a shot-glass with an ounce of PBR and kicking it back in a single gulp.
Some states are taking their patriotism even farther by proposing a rollback of the drinking age for everyone. Vermont, Minnesota, and Missouri are looking to reinstate the 18-year-old drinking age across the boards. Faced with large numbers of their high school graduates leaving the states for anywhere else, they’ve had to rely on drastic measures. A source within the Minnesota governor’s office explains: “Why do youngsters have problems with abandoned mill towns? We don’t want them leavin! If we give ‘em enough whiskey, maybe they’ll get the idea to open up that mill again.”
The proposal in Vermont is slightly different as they’ve turned their old mills into profitable quilt museums. The liberal enclave decided to use the “we’re more learned than every other state” constitutional clause to justify the youthful drinking. The current bill allows 18- to 20-year-olds to drink legally after they complete an alcohol education program. This comes after the success of other education based ventures like handgun certification classes and the dress-code law that allows 13-year-old girls to wear “hoochie pants” only if they’ve read Erica Jong’s Fear of Flying.
Although he agrees that it is equitable, Rep. Fletcher Smith doesn’t appreciate the ideas of his northern colleagues letting just anyone drink. “They think they’re all smart with their learnin! Well, down here in the real America, some book smarts don’t get you a margarita. How bout those ivy-leaguers come down here after they’ve killed an Iraqi. Then the drink’ll be on me!”
Not everyone is happy about the idea of 18 year olds hitting the bottle. Of course, the primary opponent to this brilliant initiative is the Debbie Downer of anything that Barfly deems “fun”: Mother’s Against Drunk Driving. Yes, blah blah blah, drunk driving-deaths, brain damage, early onset alcoholism – we’ve heard all of these petty excuses before. We asked their spokesperson about making an exception for young soldiers, and she sternly shook her head: “How is a poor young solider supposed to fight for freedom when they’re tempted by alcohol”.
We’re sorry to say that these initiatives are likely doomed due to MADD’s opposition. They are a powerful lobby, equipped to topple even the drunkest of state legislatures (don’t get cocky New Jersey, you know they could kick your ass).
We leave with one bit of parting advice to those who hope that these laws soon pass. As Rep Fletcher Smith would agree, we’re the greatest nation in the world. No one can take away the most awe inspiring gift that you have: your fake ID. We urge you to go. Fight for your freedom!
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