Primorski’s Russian Restaurant

Ladies and Gentlemen, our dearest friend LittleFly has graced us with another dispatch. And, not only is it just as disgustingly glorious as all of her other musings, but it involves one of our very favorite subjects: Soviet intrigue. Enjoy!

When it came down to the last 5 subway stops into Little Odessa you could sense the excitement in everyone. Half the excitement was our field trip to Primorski’s Russian Restaurant and Nightclub in Brighton Beach, Brooklyn. The other half was the fact that we were finally going to get off the Subway – if we choose to continue on, Siberia was only another 15 minutes away.

We were really expanding our horizons with this Friday night birthday bash…4, 3, 2, 1….

The walk to Primorski’s was a delightfully non-Manhattan nightlife experience - the smell of the salty Atlantic (or was it the overwhelming stench of pleather mini skirts?), the kind eyes of welcoming locals (or was that the Russian mob on our tails?) and of course the dangling nightlights up ahead that served as our guide into Primorski’s.

Upon arrival, the icy doorman kindly took a break from an argument with his female friend (complete with big blonde hair and fancy fishnets, the Brighton Beach costume department clearly deserves some sort of award). He held open the glass doors and acknowledged us with a stony Russian poker face. When his stare made us genuinely fear for our lives, we knew this was going to be an authentic experience!

We entered the dining room to the sweet beats of our entertainers. Apparently, 5 middle-aged people bouncing around to an electronic dance mix constitutes “entertainment” in the Soviet Motherland. Our Russian is a bit dusty, but we suppose that the “live” part of the entertainment that the Primorski website so promised translates to their “Ipod”. There it was, in person on the stage.

“I picked the Russian banquet!” the birthday boy proudly exclaimed as our feast was so eloquently plopped down in front of us. The nervous diners picked at the recognizable chicken Caesar salad and a few were brave enough to take on the beautifully presented dog food, known to the Russians as Chicken Jelly. Bottles of chilled Putinka Vodka graced the table alongside glasses with no ice.

Putinka (Russian translation: “paint thinner”) goes down with surprising ease when used to wash the taste of tongue and eel out of one’s mouth. A few sips in and we couldn’t tell if everyone’s grimaces were from the food or the vodka. Inwardly, we were very pleased – when we saw all of our friends with those strange frowns we had to remind ourselves that they weren’t actually Russian. We also began to realize how Communism had lasted for so many decades, a gulp of Putkina and a sniff of that Chicken Jelly – our group was clearly on the road to mass delirium.

A fat man with a camera came around snapping photos of our table and then demanded to know how many prints we would be purchasing at $10 each. Oh this is like a Russian cruise!” exclaimed one diner. Another wasn’t so sure- “Shhh, they’ll kill us! Uh, four photos please sir!”

The birthday boy was a little too excited from all the commotion. “Do you know how to do that dance??” he shouted before folding his arms in front of him and attempting to kick his feet out. A shudder went through the table. The photographer was not amused, and he motioned to three men in the corner who appeared to be “discussing business”.

“Ha.. no, no, you don’t have to do that. I was just kidding, you know.” The photographer stared at him with a Russian poker face. “Uh, here’s fifty bucks, we’ll take five more photos. Yeah, five more!” The photographer took the cash, and plopped five photos down on the table. We had escaped with our lives, at least this time.

The dance floor was filling up and the “band” was hot. They got the crowd riled up by clicking “next track” on their Apple. They even took turns singing karaoke style. Our favorite move was when they half heartedly pretended to play the fake bongo drums.

Upon observation, we discovered that the only thing worse than the food was the dancing. Two or three iceless glasses of Putinka later and we were on our way to the dance floor to shamelessly do the Elaine, commie-style (involves dancing badly while pretending to be interred in a forced labor camp).

The end of the night left the group slurring and stumbling with genuine smiles of satisfaction. We filed out of the restaurant, 8x10 photos in hand to commemorate our true Little Odessa experience.

“Did you have a good time?”

“Da!” everyone shouted.

How about that – not only was Primorski’s a hit – but everyone learned a new word! 

Primorski’s – 282 Brighton Beach Avenue -

Russian banquet menu -3 olives - It was ethnic, pertinent to our trip to Brighton beach, and nicely presented by the waitstaff. It’s a shame that no one dared eat it.

Clear presence of Russian hookers - 3 olives – No judgments. In Russian career choices, we hear it ranks slightly above schoolteacher.

Location - 2 olives - Putinka sipped neat leaves you unable to read subway maps, and surprise! There are no cabs at your disposal. Commission a school bus to pick you up as we did....

Fulfilling enough of an experience that you never have to go back - 4 olives - Primorski’s will forever remain untainted in our memory as a true depiction of how they do it in Moscow. Good thing. There’s no way we could afford any more of those photos.

Comments

[BauerLydia31]

I opine that to get the loans from creditors you must have a good reason. However, once I've received a small business loan, because I was willing to buy a house.

[Impotence causes]

Greetings to all! Incredible, I'm really fascinated with this article, which has long had the opportunity to read something so interesting and so effective that contains, for me, blogs have become an important part of my daily life, all day before going to bed I read a few. I love design and am interested in learning more about how you project.

[ugg outlet store]

i would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

[Cheap viagra]

A very warm greeting to all readers, thank you very much for allowing us to express ourselves in her blog, I am a complete pleasure to have the opportunity to have such a fabulous read an article like this, I think the world should do more awareness about what our children read on the Internet, issues like in this article are those who can create in the young a better neurological performance.