It’s hard to be a proper wino these days. They typical American consumer has caught on to formerly “effete” European habits such as wine drinking and the acknowledgement of global warming. The price of vino has inched up so that it excludes your less-than-sophisticated ‘everyday’ drunkard (i.e the fellow on the corner who uses 1/3 of his disability check exclusively on PBR).
Poor guy. He used to grab a magnum of cheap swill and saddle up to the gutter (especially comfortable due to his missing limbs). Now he’s been priced out by the Mondavis of the wine world. Even if he did have a few bills wadded in his pocket, he would never know what to choose. It used to be a simple choice between “goddamn red” and “frickin white”. Today, there are far too many wackadoo varieties available. Bianchi? Rouge? How is one supposed to understand such foreign gobbledygook through the squinty eyes of a failed existence?
Fear not, everyday drunkard! We have found a way for you to imbibe your disability money while still projecting an aura of phony sophistication. Like many other modern ails, the problem has been cured by today’s only true superhero: the upscale grocery chain.
Trader Joe’s, a chain that specializes in affordable gourmet goods, has reignited the low cost wine market with their trendy Four Buck Chuck. What does four dollars get you these days? An unadorned bottle, a number of drinkable varietals, and your low-cost lover back in your arms forever. $12.00 for a thirst quenching threesome? We dare you to find a better price for that this side of a Singaporean elementary school.
So, Barfly announces Four Buck Chuck as our current Drink of the Week. Put down that 40-ouncer of Old English and rush to your local Trader Joes this very minute. Indeed, as we write, we are sipping on some of their Sauvignon Blanc. We are certain that we made the right choice for two reasons:
- It tastes just like real Sauvignon Blanc (well, maybe with three packets of Equal mixed in).
- With prices like these we can all afford to be a wino for a day. No excuses. Yes, liver cancer counts as an excuse. Now, off to the gutter! Everyone!
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