Don't Drink and Zoo!

Harkening back to Barfly’s safari days, we’d like to take this moment to offer three valuable life saving tips:

1. A machete, when properly wielded, can serve as an excellent shot-luge.
2. A stiff Bloody Mary provides the perfect anecdote to a shrunken head. Be sure to pack miniature cocktail straws.
3. When you get a bit too tipsy and feel like throwing detritus at the local wildlife, remember this helpful rule of thumb. If the target is smaller than you knee-cap, garbage throwing is a blast. If it is bigger, you better enjoy getting your neck chewed off. And, if you enjoy getting your neck chewed off, well, you might as well aim for the animal’s groin to make it more entertaining for the rest of us.

Unfortunately, they do not distribute the Barfly Field Guide at the San Francisco Zoo. It certainly would have come in handy two weeks ago when a tiger escaped its enclosure and attacked zoo goers. Although it was originally suspected that the tiger roofied its victims before ravaging them, the truth came out this week:

The three youths who were attacked by a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo last month had been drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana before taunting the animal.

Yes, once again, the deadly combination of alcohol, marijuana, and large carnivore taunting has claimed a young life. If they aren’t going to start giving our guide to zoo-goers, then they simply must do more to push the “designated asshole” program.

If you’re off to the zoo please designate one asshole in the group who will remain relatively sober and be sure not to take things too far. Just think of the different ways this tiger tale could have transpired.

-Instead of heckling the life-threatening tiger, the designated asshole would have directed the group to the petting zoo where they would have mocked the billy goats for having “Satan faces”.

-The D.A. could have encouraged his compatriots to get their energy out by doing the “Happy Feet” dance on the trash cans that they flipped over near the penguin enclosure.

- Rather than intense carnivore taunting, he could have pushed for simple, good old fashioned fun. In the rain forest exhibit, there were plenty of marmosets just waiting to be killed.

Finally, we’d like to point out that the dead heckler is not the only victim here. After injecting the large amounts of pot and booze that were in the victim’s blood, that poor tiger had a manic episode, shaved his head and was caught trying to lick tree frogs for a quick fix. Our sources tell us that he is now checked into an undisclosed rehab clinic.

Comments

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