While the genteel citizens of Sober-town spent black Friday shoving grannies to the asphalt for an extra 25% off at Kohl’s (don’t think of her as delicate and old, that bitch is the competition), the denizens of Drunktown found a more festive way to ring in the holiday season: stabbing each other in the torso.
Last Friday, upscale club Duvet moved from “that place with the beds” to “that place where that guy stumbled outside and died. Oh, yeah, and they’ve got beds.” No one has yet been arrested for the murder of a young Brooklyn man who was knifed during the wee hours of the morning. Police were able to take a few suspects into custody for other crimes committed on the premises.
Police commissioner Ray Kelly explained the arrests: “Did you see that girl, her stomach protruded over her skirt and poked out from under her blouse. Some may call that eating too much turkey. You know what I say: let’s see what the judge calls it.”
The city council worries that this is going to bring the Chelsea club wars to new heights. "They’ve all got music, they’ve all got overpriced vodka tonics,” Council speaker Christine Quinn explained, “what they all don’t got that Duvet now got is the blood on the dance floor that makes a night out truly special.” When called for clarification, Quinn explained that “don’t got” and “now got” is “club talk” for “do not have” and “presently contain”.
In a late development, Barfly has learned from trusted third party sources (entertainment blogs, why would they lie!) that rapper Fabolous may or may not have been in attendance when the stabbing took place.
In a late late development, Barfly has come up with some speculative celebrity news that we hope will drive some of this “entertainment blog” traffic our way. Come on public, you’d rather read lies about mid-tier rappers than visit with charming little us? We think not.
A member of the rapper’s entourage may or may not have stabbed the victim because he was confused about the “elimination” ceremony in the proposed Fabolous reality-dating show “Doin it Doggie.”
Angela Lansbury may or may not have exited the club and said “It was Colonel Mustard, on the dance floor, with a can of whoop-ass.”
Upon learning about the stabbing, Elizabeth Hasselbeck may or may not have commented “Gosh. Why can’t they just go discount shopping like white people? The sales were really good this year!”
And finally, the scoop that is sure to drive the celebrity obsessed masses our way (please be kinder to us than you were to that poor shopping Granny): Barfly might or might not be able to kick Perez Hilton’s ass.