Now that we’re wrapping up a busy week of insider trading, Barfly can report a stock tip that is sure to drive our under-priced shares through the roof. Imagine us whispering, as we don’t want this news to get out to the “general” public. It’s only for the “deliciously special” public (you know who you are, you tasty charlatans). Ahem. Miller and Coors are planning to merge their U.S. operations. This will create the 2nd largest brewing company in the United States, behind Anheuser Bush.
As you’re figuring out the best way to imbibe your corporate shares, Barfly will be sitting pretty at our desk all weekend. ETrade.com has replaced our favorite gentlemanly pornographic websites. The only thing that we plan on watching rise is our stock portfolio.
The merger is not complete as the two companies are trying to find a way around a potential anti-trust inquiry. They are also attempting to figure out the best way to combine their two names. Should MillerCoors become PissWater or WaterPiss?
Board members are also in discussions about opening a theme park to counter Busch Gardens, Anheuser’s signature attraction. Barfly received a copy of the tentative blueprints. FratWorld promised to be “America’s Premier Blackout-Sex Attraction.” We were particularly impressed with Bingey, their happy-go-lucky talking beer stein mascot. We like how he winks and laughs as he delivers messages about designated drivers.
So, gentle readers, its time to do what you do best: be followers. Go. Buy stock. Help Barfly become rich. If you need to know what to do after that, we suggest asking these folks. They always have a good answer. Texting the location of celebrities sure can be a hot way to spend the weekend. Kisses!
Gasp – stop the presses (or whatever presses are in blog form)– We just got a call from our accountant. Apparently, the news of this story broke long ago! Well, thanks a lot Karl (the Beer Salesman at Western Beef). Hot stock tip indeed. We thought we were going to become gloriously wealthy using your advice. We bought what you told us, and now we’re left with an apartment full of luke warm Coors Light cans and an empty wallet. We guess we’ll have to log on to Etrade and figure out how the NASDAQ man can come and pick them up. Oh, maybe we’ll just run out and ask the Fresh Direct guys if they can call him. We imagine they are the very best of friends.