The seasonal change is setting in, and Barfly is sleepy. Should we lay down and form a cocoon out of empty cases of Long Island wine? Nah – we want to stay out until we die of frostbite (just like that into the wild kid, he was like, totally real) in the mid January chill. We’ll just wipe this disgustingly attractive gunk from the corner of our eye and get going. We just need a little jolt, a kick in our silky drunken pants. We suppose we’ll do what we do best, ask the Beer Gods (forget the proper capitalization and be doomed to drink Zima for the rest of your existence).
Prepare to behold a mystical experience (role of Beer Gods will be played by ITALICIZED TYPE!):
"Beer Gods, we summon you. The magic 8 ball exhausts us. Help us make a decision”
"Barfly, you’ve bothered us too much. Always with your questions. Have you tried the magic date ball?”
“We did try it. We don’t understand how ‘Seems unlikely, you pervert’ is supposed to be helpful advice? What should we drink! “
“We don’t know Barfly. You should ask the Irish coffee gods. Beer and caffeine, not a pious combination.”
“We tried to ask those other gods. They were busy beating their wives. Guide us.”
“Just do what you usually do. A spoonful of the coffee grinds from yesterday’s pot sounds scrumptious.”
“We’re not hung-over. We retain our sense of taste. We must have beer. BEER” (we beat our chest as we said this, in case our friendly deity didn’t get the point).
“Why are you doing a monkey impression?”
“It’s not a monkey impression. It’s a metaphor for our beer related enthusiasm. BEER”
“Ok barfly, Ok. We’ll suppose give you something. Just do the monkey a bit more. What a cute monkey. Yes you are. Yes you are.”
We started heaving some, well, we don’t want to focus too much on our divine gorilla impersonation. We’ll just focus on the drink that was cracked open by our heavenly friend. Beer God finally ponied up some Bud Extra. He gave us interesting tidbits to mull over as we got hopped up on this energy juice.
- Bud has come up with a catchy catch-phrase to promote the diverse uses of their Extra: Pour it. Mix it. Shake it. Drink it. This mirrors the new slogan recently used to promote the flavor of Bud Select: Heave it. Hurl it. Puke it. Barf it.
- The Budweiser company encourages drinkers to pour the beverage over ice. This way the drinker can hold the glass and say sophisticated things like “look at me, I’m a lady.”
- In addition to caffeine, the drink contains ginseng and guarana. The caffeine stimulates the brain, the alcohol relaxes you, the ginseng smoothes out the caffeine, and the guarana balances the four lines you just snorted.
- Perfect for soccer practice. You have to make varsity some how.
“Thank you Beer God. This is only the third worst beverage that we’ve ever had. Much better than Bud Ice.”
"We thought you’d like it Barfly. We love that you’d drink antifreeze if it tasted like beer. You’re one adorable monkey.”
”By the way, how is Beer Jesus.”
"He’s busy trying to turn Coors Light into Stella. Well, that’s whenever you can pull him away from his blog. How is it spreading the good word if only 12 people a day read it?”
Shout out Beer Jesus! With numbers like those, we’re apparently pretty religious ourselves!
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