Absolut New Orleans - One Heckuva Vodka

To make amends for its checkered history (while still not revealing the troof), Absolut Vodka has turned to a powerful societal force: publicit. . .My, we didn't realize lawyers could file a cease and desist motion in the middle of typing a word. Of course, what we "meant" to say, is that the gracious and munificent corporation is turning to philanthropy (can we take this ankle bracelet off now?).

The beverage company has established Absolut New Orleans, a spicy vodka whose profits will be donated to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

A spokesman for Absolut explained their passion for the cause: "It wasn't just homes that were destroyed and African Americans that were displaced. Thousands of glittering beads were washed out of the city. Branded martini glasses and wacky sunglasses, just swept away. It's what we in the business call the 'hidden tragedy'".

When asked if the hidden tragedy was actually the treatment of black city residents, the spokesman countered: "No, no, they were all over the roofs. No one saw the trinkets. They were underwater."

Some city-dwellers are not persuaded by the giving. A resident of the Ninth Ward explained:
"We don't want aid, we've got aid organizations coming our of our asses. Give us the damn Vodka."

Spurred by this discontent, Schlitz recently launched its own charitable beverage: Motherfuckin Conspiracy Theory Ale. All proceeds will be donated to the give us the damn vodka charitable trust.

Barfly has learned that other spirit companies are rushing to get into the giving game. Anheuser Bush recently announced its own fund: The Holocaust Survivor Purloined Artwork Foundation. All proceeds from six packs of Bud Mormon Lager (3.2%) go toward reclaiming masterpieces looted during WWII. A spokesman explains: "As elderly Jews try to reclaim the glorious artwork that was stolen from them, they should drink only the best. Would anyone say that Nazi-juice Becks is the best? We think the answer is clear."