While recently skimming drinks from friends at our neighborhood haunt, I was approached by a beautiful, glowing angel. She was handing out treasure that must have come from heaven itself: free drink tickets. As the night wore on, she kept wandering into my gaze. She was the only thing that I could see (clearly). My mind shifted from “you, shot girl, drink ticket, biatch” to “wherefore art thou shot girl?”
Seeing her hand-out visors and cheaply made whistles nearly was the end of me. Her beauty is a mere second to her benevolence. I must have her. But how? Help me Drunky! Help me “love” (someone told me that is what this strange obsession is called)!
My Heart’s on the House
We feel for you House,
The liquor promotions girl. Roving like a lustrous gypsy (lustrous = “odor free” in vagrant speak) from bar to bar and giving the patrons what they most desire: free drinks spiked with rouge enhanced cleavage. Well, friend, you’ve chosen stupidly. Everyone wants to sleep with Helga, and she’s probably spoken for. Majlinda over there looks pretty territorial (beware of her manish arms).
Luckily, Barfly’s entire existence is built on stupid decisions. We’ll be happy to enable you in further crushing your soul. In the end, how is any man supposed to stand apart in a room full of meatheads? Only a true and deep inner void will get the sweetie-pie’s notice.
Tips for scoring extra “drink tickets” (oh, how wry we are!) from the liquor promotions girl:
- Play disinterested and feign interest in someone else. She’ll be sure to find you the most attractive moocher if you seem aloof. “Free drinks? Nah, I think paying is much sexier. I find my mounting credit card debt really attractive”.
- Try making eye contact from across the bar. When you meet her overworked $10 / hour gaze, a little ‘wink wink’ may be in order (can be substituted with an “A-Ok” finger gesture, if you’re feeling particularly wily).
- Pretend to adore the free liquor that she is schilling and drink as much of it as possible. Hopefully this will show her much you love her. When this strategy fails, your backup plan seems much more palatable. Her fat friend is busy taking down the Sazerac inflatable palm tree. Now’s you’re time to pounce!
- Offer the one drink ticket that she’s truly interested in: a green card. All she has to do is come home, do a little mating dance, and “of course you’ll marry her”. When you wake up in the morning and lovingly inform “Marriage?! You got punk’d!” duck quickly to avoid gypsy curse.
Godspeed, House. We will leave you with a warning – if you woo the girl and win her heart – you’ll have to pay for those drinks eventually. Enter your own evil laugh here.