Dear Drunky, I thought that switchblades were pretty and witty. I pulled mine out in a recent bar brawl and my opponent chuckled. No one told me that my weapon of choice has become pretty and witty and gay! As I circled around with my knife drawn, snapping and whistling, the entire bar started laughing at me! I was so embarrassed, especially because they LOVED it when used his sleeker, more up to date weapon. Iphones sure can hurt when they are heaved at your face! Not only did my nose get broken, but my dignity was bruised. What are some good weapons to use in a modern day rumble? Jazz hands? Yours in shame, -how many bullets left in this gun and one for me?
Chino,
Yes, we hate to inform you, but your more technologically apt opponent illustrated what David Pogue has been telling us all along – switchblades, bats with nails in them, and bicycle chains have been replaced with smaller, less male-dancer related weapons. We’re sorry you had to find out like this. (Please note: genuine Puerto Ricans can still get away with switch blades, as long as they emanate a high pitched “AY AY AY AY AY AY AY” while attacking).
Don’t fret! Ask any Iraqi civilian - there are plenty of weapons to choose from in this modern day and age. You just have to find the one that’s right for you. It will surely turn that pesky guy who you think maybe “kinda gave you a look” into a charred, limbless corpse.
Here’s a few to try, please note the lack of your so-called “jazz” hands:
The swinging ball and chain thing that the little Asian girl used in Kill Bill – You must be thinking its hard to get one. But, we know the secret. Just go into any Chinese restaurant and order an “egg roll with duck sauce, heavy on the MURDER.”
Lasso – Apparently this western-chic weapon has become the “new taser’. Style editor Robin Givhan explains: “You want to use a weapon that screams masculinity, but none of this frat-boy jackass taser nonsense. As you face your opponent on a dusty road outside the saloon, you want to intimidate with the stubble growing from your chin, the spurs clinking against your boots. Your foe is likely to be so taken aback by your lassoing skills that they won’t even see it coming when you taser them in the face.”
Miniature pony – It’s always good to have one handy for a fight, especially when facing the nastiest opponent. If you doubt the havoc that they can induce, you’ve clearly never seen one in action. For a glimpse of their astonishing violent tendencies, click here.
Dirty Martini Bomb – Facing a bar full of angry drunks? Barfly suggests going halal on their ass and pulling one of these out of your Keffiyeh. The capitalist Christian infidel will fall to the ground faster than if side-swiped with a sock full of Allah. Word motha-kanith!
We hope this leaves you equipped to go right your social wrongs with the only way any true NYBarfly sees fit: rampant violence. If our many sociopath readers have any additional weapons, we’d be happy to mock them as inadequate if you’d just leave us a comment. And, Lloyd, please stop emailing us about your “gopher-gun”. We understand that it can kill an entire field of varmint. Quite simply, we don’t care.
Hold our hand and we’ll take you there,
Drunky
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