Aren’t customers adorable? In our undercover service industry job, Barfly has found so many cute things about them that we get weepy whenever they arrive. We tear up almost as much as we do when we see an infant plucked from the uterus and stuffed into a daffodil costume, Ann Geddes style.
We’ve also found that our cutesy customers are good for a number of things: sleeping with, stealing from, staring at, goosing. Recently we found that a customer’s most useful talent is their blameworthiness. Barfly discovered an important trick of the service industry trade: we can get away with anything, as long as it’s the customer’s fault.
In the NY restaurant industry not only is the customer never right, they are oft times nincompoops who quickly lead to the system being destroyed. One look at the spinach salad hanging between their overpriced veneers and the conclusion reached is unequivocal: Guilty. Of everything.
Below you’ll find some examples of how to get off scott-free because of the scofflaws sitting at your tables:
You spilled red wine all over someone’s lap because you were drunk. Explain to your manager: “She was looking at me with her shifty eyes. Old bitch”.
The kitchen cooks the meat medium-well and the customer sends it back because they wanted it medium-rare – “Manger, they are Pilipino and seem to have a cleft palate. They clearly can’t judge a meat’s temperature.”
Toilets are backed up because you hurriedly put too much toilet paper in while between tables – “Ugh, one of the customers had a miscarriage. Again. Third time this week.”
A grease fire in the kitchen because the staff was watching the Mexican national soccer team get their ass kicked by the F’in USA – “Ay Cabron! Those putas ricas loca customers are. . . como se dice?...firestarters.”
You’re stuck in the service industry after a dozen years with no real career prospects “The old guy at table 13 tried to grab my ass. The world is full of perverts. I’m not even going to try”.
If the customer tries to deflect blame, be sure to grab your busboy (the one exiled from his native Brazil for slitting tourists’ throats) to escort them outside the restaurant. Surely the jury will understand your and Raoul’s actions. When the customer put on a ridiculous panama hat upon exiting the restaurant, they were just ASKING to be brutally maimed.