Now kids, why would you expect Barfly to tell you what to drink on this glorious week? Four score and seven shots ago, our fore fathers founded a great nation on this very day. Perhaps if we were still under British rule you would look to an educated charlatan like Barfly to tell you what to imbibe. But, when they signed that declaration thingy, those rebellious dudes had a few freedoms in mind. Hundreds of years later we are able to mock those who buy hybrids, let Disney trample our copyright laws (Mickey is a true patriot), and chose to drink whatever the fuck we want. Take that European Union. Wine is for sissies. Boo-yah!
So, readers, what does freedom taste like to you? We’ve listed some favorites because, even though we would never tell you what to sip in this beautiful republic, some drinks are more patriotic than others.
An ice cold Coors – As refreshing as the water the border agent hands to the Mexican he detained near the Rio Grande. Better enjoy it while its cold, there is nothing quite so thirst quenching when you and your bride are shipped back to Gudalajara short the $4,000 you paid to the human traffickers.
Mojito – Thought we were serious, did you Commie?
O’Doul’s – What the current leader of our nation drinks. Sip one on this day in his honor. This particular can beverage can also be enjoyed in a frosted mug or water boarded down your gullet. A no-brainer to us.
There is some help to get started. We’re sure that whatever you come up with will be an appropriate libation for this special day (except anything with Gin, then you’re a red coat).
And remember, a true patriot will have a few too many of their independence cocktails and blow their second and fifth digits off with a proper American M-80. When you’re on your way to the emergency room, know that your sacrifice was for a good cause. We don’t want the terrorists to think they’re winning, now do we?