Barfly’s contacts in the Department of Drunktown Security have informed us that the terror alert will soon be raised from “Slightly Tipsy” to “Pretty Damn Drunk”. Knowing that the next and final threat level of “wake up in the hospital and realize that your teeth are missing” really means bad news, Barfly asks our readers to be as vigilant as they can while still being your fabulously disaffected selves.
Apparently, the recent attacks foiled in the U.K. have lead the jihadists to a conclusion that we have known for our entire cosmopolitan career : car bombs are passé. Why drive when you can take a taxi? And, as we all can empathize with, it is such a chore to light yourself on fire if said car bomb fails to go off. We can view self immolation any time we want to in this you tube era. Why bother with all that running, screaming and flailing if you know the heathenish white men that you’re trying to kill have seen it all before?
So, the terrorists have found a new toy that is sure to get us all lit in a non burny-burn type way: The Dirty Martini Bomb. The advent of this sophisticated weapon is the reason for the elevated threat level. “While no specific attack is currently planned,” Michael Chertoff informed at a news conference, “we do have intelligence that indicates the ability to make a crude device. Let’s just hope that they don’t figure out how to pit olives. Then we’re in big trouble.”
The breakthrough came when our friendly Islamists decided to turn off Koran tube and tuned into an American favorite, Sex and the City. Barfly got a comment from a terrorist spokesperson: “We watch this show, and it dawns on us. Americans are drunk all the time. Why not use this seeming strength against them?” The masked representative then tried to behead us, but we were able to convince him that we really are more of a Carrie than a Samantha. He chuckled as we decided to put the machete down and make mimosas instead.
We don’t want to reveal too much about the bomb’s mechanisms (lest you create one yourself), but the basics are easy to understand. It goes off at night, a cool mist of premium gin spreads throughout the immediate neighborhood. Those who come in contact with it become furiously drunk. Much jihad- wackiness ensues. Everyone wakes up with a furious hangover. Not to mention caliphate, which has been established while they slept.
We got our masked spokesperson slightly tipsy, and decided to see if he would open up a little more. Did he really think that this was necessary? Were our societies really that different that violence was needed? “You see,” he said “I don’t think we really are that different. If you American’s would just understand us a little bit more, and start stoning your rape victims to death, then I think we all would get along happily. We could go to, how you say, brunch!” He later admitted that he thinks that he is closest to Charlotte but with the work ethic of Miranda. Silly guy.
Brunch for world peace? Barfly certainly is there! For the sake of national security, we wonder if Mr. Chertoff would pick up the tab for unlimited Bloody Mary’s.
The show became so popular, that its fans organised special forums, where they discuss not only hairstyles, but also accessoires and fashion styles of each character. If you compare the movie and the tv show ( http://rapid4me.com/?q=sex+and+the+city ), you may notice to which extend the chracters became more fashionable in the movie!
Posted by: jokle | April 20, 2009 at 06:49 AM
The show became so popular, that its fans organised special forums, where they discuss not only hairstyles, but also accessoires and fashion styles of each character. If you compare the movie and the tv show
Posted by: maple story mesos | June 12, 2009 at 11:46 PM
That's pretty strange , but I'm agree.
Posted by: generic valtrex | March 03, 2010 at 07:12 AM