Barfly has been bad, ladies and gentlemen. We know that you’ve been furiously clicking our site every 13 minutes, checking for updates from your favorite “blogger” (we’re still not quite sure what that word means) cad. We’re sorry to have made you fret these past few weeks but just know – we’ve missed you just as much as you’ve missed us (well, understanding that your devotion to our glorious website surpasses the adoration that the apostles held for that Christ dude, perhaps we’ll let you win the ‘who missed who more’ contest).
Of late, we’ve been deep undercover in the service industry. It certainly has been worth it, we’ve come back with a trove of Intel that will be sure to help you better navigate New York social going. Having recently scored a job at a more “upscale” New York dining and drinking establishment, Barfly has been filling microfiche with troves of raw data that will be sure to guide your laser bombs to their proper home: Drunktown. The true education came when we figured out how to get our laptop to read those microfiche chips that we implanted in our thigh for secrecy. Computer – commence chip reading now! (Uh, does anyone know how to stem the bleeding from a USB port shaped thigh wound?)
We start off with some tips that one can use to be a patron at the “fancier” haunts that populate the city. As a marvelous secret agent, we all must be able to hide the side of us that loves a good Irish car bomb and let the tango dancing / martini drinking secret agent shine through. To fit in while on your mission, we’ve been observing some of the habits of the face-lifted ladies and hair plugged gentlemen that enjoy spending $17 on a side of broccoli rabe. When doing up your disguise, be sure to keep these little ditties in mind:
-If the aforementioned hair plugs for some reason have been windswept into a non-carpet like “good hair day” mane, your cover may be blown. The perfect thing to throw your enemy off is your dinner guest: an Asian sex worker. Be sure said sex worker is decked out like a proper whore and makes out with you at the bar between bites of garlic mashed potatoes and sips of overpriced Greco Di Tufo. With her by your side, people will actually “respect” the fact that you’ve lost millions speculating on Miami condos in the past six months, and your true identity will be as safe as those investments supposedly were.
-A proper “upscale” patron can never refer to the true source of their income (be it the trust fund or the estate sale, it would be a true faux pas to go around announcing just how big daddy’s, ahem, net worth is). One must come prepared with a believable though eccentric profession. I.e. – to complement you’re $5000 purse (that you just spilled marinara on) get a few cheap bracelets and a necklace that you’d find on your average middle class kindergarten teacher. When getting ready to go out, give your hair the bounce and curl of a typical jewess or gypsy (can someone explain how they are different). As the appetizers arrive, be sure to talk about their “artful arrangement” on the platter. You are a sculptress, you surely should know about such things!
-To justify the fact that you are on your sixth glass of wine, you must have a suitably upscale excuse. Order the least expensive appetizer on the menu and as you nibble on your cheese platter, exclaim to the bartender “Sir, I’d love another glass of this wine, it’s complimenting these delicious cheeses in splendid fashion.” Be careful to articulate and enunciate, its hard to communicate when all you really want are some goddamn mozzarella sticks.
We know that this is a lot to absorb, ladies and gentlemen. The Thomas Crown Affair and Daniel Craig’s pecs can make rich living seem easy, but it’s surely harder than it looks to remain convincing on the moneyed island that Manhattan is becoming. If you truly start to fail and find yourself in a life or death situation, it’s time to pull out the cyanide capsule that you have hidden in your fake back molar: your credit card. “Don’t worry folks, this tab’s on me”.
Yes, you instead of paying for this social encounter with your dear life, you will be paying for it in $72 / month installments until social security checks start coming through (thank god the government is there for debt relief). Everyone will be so thrown off by your generous gesture that their suspicious minds will be overwhelmed with thoughts of relief. Whew, someone else is paying, now they don’t have to reveal that beneath their fancy exteriors are Duane Reade bought pantyhose and a studio apartment that you can smell coming up the stairs. Even the most wealthy seeming are likely also playing a dubious game. Proper espionage doesn’t come cheap, that’s for damn sure (unless you live in Estonia, there its free).
Can i use this blog as reference in my college report
Posted by: psp troubleshooting | November 11, 2009 at 02:52 AM