A sophisticated gentleman goes to the theater (five syllables). An average New York drunkard would rather stay home with a twelve pack and watch Gerenuk getting gored on Animal Planet (pronounced ‘dat show wit da monkeys’). Combine the best of the namby-pamby fag show that is Broadway and the smell of animal carcass in the savannah morning and what do you have? Why, it’s the perfect way for a high-brow drunkard to spend their weekend evening: FUCT. (A small warning for you Animal Planet fans: savannah odors emitted by a TV show can smell strangely like cigarette ash lighting your chest hair on fire. You might want to check on that).
Founded by a band of merry latent gays, FUCT has been spinning its wheel of torture at the Cherry Lane Theater for a few seasons. What started as an excuse for a bunch of male theater majors to get together and take their clothes off has turned into something much grander: an excuse for a bunch of male ex-theater majors to take their clothes off and SPANK each other.
Now, gentle reader, is the time to quit trying to hide THAT side of you. Come on, you know which side your dear ‘ol Barfly means. That side of you that feels “a little movement” down there as you watch Johnny Knoxville rub glass into wherever. That side of you that can’t really take talking dirty seriously, that can’t help but giggle when confronted with having to call a “fifi” something that would make Eve Ensler blush. Not to mention the chuckle after the ten thousandth time she claims its so big – you’ve measured it, you’ve dealt with it, it doesn’t “bother” you at all. That side of you, of all of us, that just, goddammit, wants to get FUCT.
So, come join at the Cherry lane for some high-brow mayhem. Because we are so full of anticipation, we’re doing two things. First, we’re going to offer one lucky reader the chance to win a date with Barfly to see the show. Tell us something about THAT side of you, and you’re entered to win (Role of Barfly will be played by an empty chair, somewhere in your proximity. We’re not going out with you. Pervert.)
And, even more glorious, we’re going to write a review before even seeing it. How fuct up is that!
FUCT– The Cherry Lane Theater – Weekends in June
Asses – 3.4 olives – We thought cellulite didn’t exist on men. We’ll have to watch some more nature documentaries to figure this one out - theater majors are a rare breed
Free beer before the show – 5 olives – If you drink enough of it, testicles of the cast members will appear blurred later in the evening (believe us, you WILL be thankful).
Barfly’s attempt at frat boy humor (see underlined above) – 2 olives – It’s a start, but we think we could have done better. Perhaps we should take up lacrosse?
Having more pseudo naughty words to remember – 1 olive – FCUK – clothing brand. FUCT – salacious comedy show in the West Village. FUCK – what to say when you wake up the next morning and realize that the tip may not count but it seems to be oozing green stuff. Now that we have that in order, can someone please explain what a Fifi is?
Social commentary, biting wit, and dazzlingly intelligent humor swathed in thin layers of homoeroticism, testosterone, and pain (not necessarily in that order) – 5 olives – Uh, like, yeah, we’re like too drunk to even understand what that means. The asses though, I guess they were fun. Dude.