There are so many things to worry about when going out in the city – muggers, potholes, running into your doppelganger and realizing that it was an omen pointing toward your untimely death.
I have one respite from these fears: alcohol. But now I see that the bar isn’t even safe these days. Chumley’s chimney collapsed. I can’t even go out anymore for fear that I’m going to be featured the upcoming Fox special When Bars Attack 2: Chimney Edition.
How can I get back out of my house and get into my drunken groove? (In case I haven’t been clear, my drunken groove does not involve collapsing chimneys). Help!
- I’ve got the flue . . .
As we all know, the world of New York drinking is perilous. We understand your fear but also encourage you to soldier on. A chimney collapse ranks a 6 on the “damn, that ruined my night” scale. This falls right between a 5 (I ran into my wife when I was with a younger/prettier date but my wife’s a stupid bitch anyway) and 7 (the clap, but thank god no herpes).
We still think things don’t get that bad until you get closer to the 8.7 (running out of money when you want that one more drink) or 9.1 (eternal damnation) level. So, buck up! Just think – if the chimney collapses while you are drinking its only bound to take out perhaps 20 percent of the patrons, and kill maybe 2-3.
Look at the plus side, even if you are one of the walking wounded, you’re still able to walk to the bar! Be sure to smear as much blood and innards on your face as possible – the bartender will likely be quicker with the buybacks.
There are also some simple steps you can take to avoid being taken out by a chimney. With those statistics and these tips, your social experience should be collapsed-chimney free until it isn’t:
- Avoid going out during the holiday season. Santas, Grinches, and child molesters disguised as the aforementioned fictional characters are more likely to use the chimney as a way to get to the “cookies” under the "tree".
- If you hear any calls of “chim-chim” or “chiroo” run for the carousel and don’t stop until you get there. Tap-dancing can further destabilize chimneys and brings them down faster than a high noon alarm from Admiral Boom.
Don’t stand next to the chimney, you stupid idiot.
Hope this helps! Due to sheer exhaustion of the topic, Drunky won’t be taking any more Chimney-related questions. Yes, you speakers of olde English, this includes chimenei-related queries as well.
Send us all other questions related to NY Drinking, Debasement, and Dwarf Rabbits. Maybe next time, we’ll take advantage of you!
P/S - A gold star to the reader who can guess what new "cock"tail that picture reminds us of?