Whenever we see folks abstaining, we make sure to swoop right in and force whatever it is that they are pretending not to want down their throats. Of late, our subtle strategy of enabling hasn’t been working. Apparently, we are in the midst of Lent – a time that drunk Irish/catholic types use to sober up and give props to their lord and savior J.C.
I’m sure you’re finding this equally curious. To get to the bottom of said “sinless” living, Barfly decided to do what we do best: conduct an interview in which joke answers serve as a welcome substitute for substance. We pray that our Drunken Devotee can shed some light on this “religion” thing. Let the inquisition begin:
What is Lent?
Lent is the period between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday symbolic of the forty days spent by Jesus in the wilderness fasting while battling the temptations of the devil. Christians typically observe Lent by fasting (no meat on Fridays) and or giving up something that they enjoy. Lately for me it’s been a time to give my body and liver a good drying out in preparation for another spring, summer, and fall of beer leagues and happy hours.
Does the ban keep you from drinking church wine?
Personally don’t touch the stuff any more – I drank enough of it as an alter boy.
What would Jesus do? When Jesus drank wine was he drinking his own blood? Was he a vampire or perhaps, gasp, a vampyre?
I think Jesus celebrated pretty hard after battling it out with the devil in the desert. As for the vampire question lets just say that there is no way I’m calling him a blood-sucking Jew. Just not going there.
What does the Easter bunny think of this?
I don’t think he really cares. Don’t picture him as much of a boozer. He doesn’t stagger down the bunny trail. He’s got that never-ending hippitty-hop thing going on with those brightly colored eggs. Probably does a lot of X.
As the one day when you will break your fast, how much do you anticipate drinking on St Patrick’s Day?
A lot. It’s my own personal dispensation.
When St Patrick chased all of the snakes out of Ireland why didn’t he spend a few extra minutes and deal with the blacks?
Who says he didn’t? How many black Irish men and women do you know? I think the reason no one hears about it now is because the political correctness card is being played by the Church in an attempt to entice blacks to join the team. It’s all a numbers game and the boys at the Vatican don’t want to be losing ground to the Baptists.
Are there any vices that you are spending more time on now that you’re not drinking? Cutting yourself “just to feel” counts as a vice.
Find myself going to the gym a lot more. Not really a vice unless you count the occasional runner’s high I get now and then while doing cardio. Or it might be the cocaine, its sometimes hard to tell.
How many extra virgins do you expect Jesus to give you once you get to heaven? Instead of blowing themselves up should Muslims just abstain for forty days to get the big payoff?
To me the whole virgin thing is overrated. The key to great sex is being with a girl who knows her way around the bedroom. Unfortunately the ones that are really good probably won’t be making the cut for heaven. As for the other thing, from what I understand true Muslims abstain 365 days a year plus must fast for the whole month of Ramadan and then must still blow themselves up to get some virgins. Pretty shitty deal if you ask me. It’s no wonder they’re pissed off at the whole world. It must really infuriate them that the Jews get away with only having to fast for one day on Yom Kippur.
When’s the last time you rose again?
I rise every day. It’s called morning wood. Praise Jesus.
What’s your favorite book of the Bible? Are you one of those Christians who claim to read it “just for the articles”?
My favorite one is where Jesus turns water into wine just to keep the party going. Now that’s some miraculous powers I wouldn’t mind having. Can you imagine?
If you could be any animal on Noah’s ark, which would you be and why?
I would be a pink elephant or a unicorn. Oh that’s right; neither exists…unless of course you’re a drunk and/or an impressionable young child. I love impressionable young children.
Did thou enjoyest thoust daily bread this sober morn?
I have to admit that breakfast is that much more enjoyable without the pounding headache from a hangover.