There are many traditions that the Irish undertake to celebrate St. Patrick’s day – soda bread, bagpipes, kissing the warted town hag. Unfortunately, this year, a bit of the ‘ol Irish Magic will be missing from the St. Patrick’s Day celebration. Revelers will be unable to participate in the long standing Irish tradition of getting blasted on the Long Island Rail Road with Bud Tall Boys.
In yet another case of a dead girl ruining our fun – the state authorities have banned drinking on the train this St. Patrick’s Day. Last year, it seems that our currently deceased got a little too worked up on her leprechaun hunt. She followed the creature down onto the tracks of the rail road (or, according to authorities, she “fell through the gap”). Not to let the little bugger scurry away with its pot of gold, she did what any of us ol Irish blokes would do: crawled into the path of an oncoming train and was dismembered. That’s the luck of the Irish! (There are contradictory reports as to the leprechaun’s fate: the authorities had trouble discerning if the evidence was its pot of gold or “part of her torso”).
She may not have caught her leprechaun (and may now be in hell for doting after such pagan creatures), but it doesn’t mean that the rest of us shouldn’t be able to dance our drunken jig on the train.
As always, Barfly has come up with a fool-proof plan to help our readers get around the law. Instead of carrying your beers onto the train, carry your beers on the train in brown paper bags. The sober-minded authorities are sure to be fooled by your clever ruse and you can continue on with your St. Patrick’s Day Duty: getting dismembered, but in a non- locomotive-related way.
Comments