President's Day: Buchanan's Da Bomb! Holla!

Ugh – another holiday – we thought that wishing people “happy” this or that became passé with the realization those Santa noises downstairs were just mommy and mommy’s boyfriend drunkenly wrapping presents.

But, we don’t want out readers to feel neglected, so even though we just wished you happiness on the farce that is Valentines Day, we’ll begrudgingly wish you a happy President’s day as well.

We’re disheartened that the current administration is a sober one. There is nothing like blaming a foreign policy blunder on the sauce every now and then. The Bay of Pigs was actually the climax of a Jack and Bobby drinking game – Jackie O was constantly goading them onto the next level as she thought “just snorting” after taking a shot was mildly boring and unladylike.

When our current commander is not sipping on the blood of Iraqis he likes the cool and non-alcoholic flavor of O’Doul’s. He apparently realized that there was more to church than “that part where you get to drink wine”, stopped drinking, and became the sober leader of the Drunken free world.

So, Barfly has to look back for a president to celebrate. We did hours of research and talked to many presidential historians (typing “drunken” and “president’ into Google counts, right?) to find a pres that we can clink glasses to on this merry day. So, it is with esteem that we give a shout out to our nigga - President James Buchanan.

Much was made in the press about Buchanan’s tolerance to alcohol and love of drink. Take a look at one of his contemporary journalists had to say, in the dandy style of prose that can only come from the 19^th century gossipy press:

"There was no head ache, no faltering steps, no flushed cheek" associated with Buchanan's drinking. "Oh no! All was as cool, as calm and as cautious and watchful as in the beginning. More than one ambitious tyro who sought to follow his... example gathered an early fall"

Oh yes!, Barfly says. President Buchanan was also the only single president in American History. Rumor has it that the white house was quite the bachelor pad, and that president may have a little bit of Nancy in him – and we most certainly don’t mean Regan. He was so busy swatting away rumors about his sexual orientation and sipping fine Whiskey that the seeds of secession sprouted right under his nose – leading to the Civil war.

Well, we don’t know what that “civil” thing is all about, but we do know that Buchanan may consistently rank as one of the worst Presidents in history when scholar’s are asked, but he’s A-OK #1 in our books. We all have surely come to know from our tumultuous upbringings that a house divided against itself certainly can stand – as long as mommy and daddy keep sipping their glasses. Mr. President – we salute you!

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