I love to go out all over Manhattan and drink until I have SO much fun (i.e. to the point of passing out). The problem is that lately, I’ve found myself napping on the subway and waking up in Coney Island. This typically would be a non issue - except that someone stole my pants last weekend. I need better ideas on how to get home when I’m tipsified. Do you have any suggestions?
- me just wanna go to bed
Dear Me Wanna,
New York City provides ample means of transportation for the drunken denizen. As you have learned, us professionals steer clear of the subway after drunk. Last time we wanted to spend only $2 on a ride home we saw ourselves on craigslist’s “missed connections” board the next morning - “Looking for the cute thing that liked it when I fratterized your thigh”. Of course we were aghast – we thought he was just trying to stay warm. . .
We're happy to illuminate you to some methods of “alternative” transportation for the wee hours of the morning:
- Gypsy cab – Sometimes friendly black Cadillac’s will pull over at your beckoning and offer you a ride. Pros: they’ll tell your fortune for no extra charge. Cons: gypsy’s 80 year old grandmother may try to steal your wallet.
- Take a taxi with a thuggish man who’s been following you up the west side highway. Pros: he might help pay! Cons: You’ll have to pass an ATM camera so he can be identified the next day.
- Walk home with a friendly fellow – Pros – He lives so close. Why not? Cons – The light will be on the next morning. There will be nothing you can do: you will see his face.
- Unicorn – A magical creature will emerge out of the bright lights of the club to take you to your castle. Pros – You’ll have no trouble getting past the velvet ropes once the bouncer sees you mount this vaunted steed. Cons- Unicorns aren’t real.
I hope that this helps you find your way, to home, in life, and perhaps (most importantly) in LOVE. If the night has been really fun, you may want to try my patented nesting strategy as a last resort. Find a quite corner, bush, or pile of discarded tires and make yourself right at home in your warm little cove. When daylight comes, you’ll feel all rested and the subway will be safe again! And, if you’re afraid of people stealing your pants, fear not! The friendly wharf rats will ward off anyone who’s up to no good.