Communicate with the Spirits: Finlandia

He may have invented that wacky “internet” thing, but crazy-like-a-fox Al Gore should have named his recent documentary “An Inconvenient Proof”.

Barfly has leaned that this global warming business has nothing to do with carbon emissions (we will not reveal our trusted sources).

Once we received this tip we wanted to get to the bottom of the martini glass on this issue. Barfly enjoys doing freelance reconnaissance work – we stare at bottles of alcohol until they tell us something. While reconning the other night Barfly intercepted a rogue message from commie Stoli to patriot Skyy.

It turns out that Global warming is an international conspiracy of the most devious sort: vodka. The great nations of Drunkworld were already growing weary of Finland’s export monopoly on claymation reindeers and words with an abundance of consonants. The Finn's entry into the vodka market was the latest escalation (or, kiihtyä, as they would put it).

How better to hinder the Finns than to ratchet up the thermostat and attack their mid level vodka at its source. Finlandia is made from “pure glacial spring water and the finest six row barley.” Lacking the technology to teleport even mediocre barley to outer space, the powers of the world decided to start melting glaciers and call it a day.

To protect their economic status, Finland better come up with a new national spirit. They can even use the conspiracy to their benefit. Barfly thinks that there is room in the market for a grain alcohol infused with the luscious flavor of drowned polar bear.